Goodbye 2008

Three months ago I came up with the concept for The Unspoken Heart.  I couldn't tell you exactly when or how it happened, or what specifically inspired me to start writing.  I don't know where this journey is going to lead me, or if it will turn out the way I had originally planned.

What I can tell you is that those who have sent in their letters and stories have touched my heart so deeply that I know this is something I need to keep pursuing.  There are so many people out there who live and function every day with these thoughts and words streaming through their mind and soul.  They push them away, they forget about them, and they move on, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this person once existed very prominently in their life, and will never be forgotten.

A few months ago I published my first round of excerpts, and one entry seemed to catch the eye of all of my readers.  This story was sent to me by a young man in response to my very first blog entry, and was so powerful to read I would like to share the whole piece.  He and his girlfriend broke up about two years ago, because she "felt a sense of disconnect."  According to him, the disconnect was because he was involved with another woman... something his ex-girlfriend never knew.  Here is his full response:

"What I took away from this experience is that sometimes good people make mistakes.  I took away the fact that a person can have something so good and yet act like a wild person without any sense whatsoever.  I took away the fact that a person can chase a dream for seemingly forever, only to forget what they've got once they finally have it.  I took away the fact that, after all is done, you can sometimes smell a person's scent long after they've gone.  I took away the fact that momentary sins of the flesh can lead to a lifetime of what ifs, but fors, and please Gods.  I took away the fact that fingertips have memories and they remember the curves of another person's body long after your mind has forgotten them.  I took away the fact that when someone says the eyes are the doorways to a person's soul that they must not have met me.  I took away the fact that, when all is said and done, I really wonder if it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  I took away the fact that, when all is said and done, I'm so lucky to have met her.  I wrote a letter to her that will never be sent.  It will never be sent because, I feel, it cannot be.  I have to write the letter because, even after two years apart, the situation just kept digging through the middle of me."

There are only three days left of 2008.  Make them count.  Write your letter.  Make a phone call.  It's never too late when it comes to matters of the heart.  Tuck 2008 neatly into bed, close its eyes, and let it sleep forever.  2009 is a whole new ball game.

Happy New Year everyone.  Thank you for reading, responding, and supporting.  When that clock strikes midnight on Wednesday evening, may you be filled with a feeling of happiness and hope that carries you throughout the year.

See you on the other side ;)

More excerpts...

I wanted to share a few more letter excerpts.  I think everyone can find a little piece of themselves in the words of others...  

"I remember the way I lost myself in loving you and you did nothing but gain through it all.  I remember how I was so afraid to walk away and that when I did it couldn't have felt better.  I remember being scared that I would never be OK.  I remember sleepless night and puffy eyes.  And all of those memories drive me to hate you.  I hate recognizing that I wasn't me then.  I was truer to you than I ever was to myself."

"I avoid you.  I know if I talk to you or try to see you just to catch up I will drag you back in.  I did it to you once before- you broke up with your girlfriend for me, and I won't do it again.  It's not fair for you, but I miss our friendship.  I find comfort in knowing you are out there and you have a serious relationship right now, but the selfish part of me wants to reach out to you.  I don't think we could handle it and I would never do that to you, but I want to-  I never told you."

"I'm scared that as time goes by I'm going to forget.  I'm going to forget how your head always felt in my hands.  I'm going to forget the features of your face that I would trace with my fingers as you closed your eyes.  I'm worried I won't be able to remember the look in your eyes that could melt my heart, or the way you would wrap your arms around me so tightly I felt like the last puzzle piece fitting into it's perfect spot.  I'm afraid you have forgotten me."

I'm listening.

Since I've started this project I've had several people ask me where my inspiration came from.  The truth is, my inspiration for this actually came from simply talking to people.

The human mind has always amazed me... I guess that's why I became a psych major in college.  The way we think and feel varies so greatly from person to person, and I find it fascinating that two people going through the same exact situation in life will handle it dramatically different.  Some people choose to lean on family and friends in times of need, others internalize their grief and try to handle it on their own.  Some become depressed, some become angry, and some fake happiness so well they even fool themselves.

In life, honesty is a rarity.  We often color the truth with what we think sounds better, what we think other people want to hear, or what we wish was the truth but is actually far from it.  This is especially true when it comes to revealing our feelings.  "I love you" and "I hate you" are two of the most powerful sentences in the English language, and can be the most difficult to say.  Even scarier is writing those words down, because once they have been penned you cannot take them back.  You cannot deny them.

I started this project because sometimes, you just need someone to listen.  You need to put your words out there, clear your mind, get everything off your chest, and unleash your feelings.  You don't want someone telling you how you should feel, or how long you are allowed to feel that way.  You don't need another sympathetic head nod, awkward hug, or "It just takes time."  Yes, everything happens for a reason, and that reason is life.

So talk.  Write.  Vent.  Cry.  Laugh.  Be honest.  Ask for forgiveness.  Forgive.  Say goodbye.  Say hello.  Say I'm sorry.

I'm listening.