Perfect Strangers

The ringing in of a new year typically brings the same reaction in people.  Make a resolution, vow to change your life, promise to start anew, so on and so forth.  In theory, it makes sense.  Who doesn't want to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start?  But what about everything you left behind in the previous year?  Do those people, places and things come with you?  Do they figure into your new plan?  How do you choose who to bring  along for the next leg of the ride and who to leave at the rest stop of 2008?

I was listening to this beautiful song right before I started I writing tonight called "Duet" by Rachel Yamagata.  The song is, quite literally, a duet between her and Ray LaMontagne, and is quickly becoming a favorite based on the fantastic harmonies and timeless message... no matter how far we drift apart there is always a chance to come back "home."  It made me think of how so many of the relationships in my life have evolved and changed in the past few years... some for the better, and some, well, not so much.  At what point do you let it go, and how do you know if it's worth it to find your way back again?

I felt sad for a moment, wondering what happened with those people I used to know so well.  How two people, who had once been so close, now simply share polite exchange and somewhat forced banter.  I thought about the different eyes I have looked into and at one time saw love, hope, laughter, familiarity... those eyes now appear angry, empty, scared, and/or indifferent.  The relationships I'm thinking of aren't only romantic ones... some are family and friends as well.  They are people who I can't seem to reach no matter how hard I try, people who I've grown apart from and don't know how it happened.  These people are the Jenga blocks of my life... one wrong word, wrong action, wrong decision- and the relationship comes crashing down.  They are the ones that once knew me better than most, and now are virtually perfect strangers.

How DO we find our way back in these situations?  Back to the place we knew, we loved, we were happy in?  The feeling I have when I think of them is similar to how I feel when I pass the house I grew up in.  I can still see, feel, hear, and smell every memory that happened there.  I see the wood panel floors where my brother split his chin on my eleventh birthday.  I see the tall weed growing seemingly out of the deck, the concrete basketball court,  and the gazebo that hosted many late night storytelling with family friends.  I remember my room, my little closet that I would sometimes sit in when I didn't want to deal with anyone.  I can remember the smell of Sunday morning breakfasts and New Years Eve pizzas and sausages.  But now someone else lives there... there's new visitors, new furniture, new landscape.  Is it still the same?

I'm looking forward to this year.  I'm excited about this phase in my life, and I am so grateful for those who have been there with me every step of the way.  But there's still a part of me that hopes the holes that sit in my memory, in my heart, can be filled this year.  That now, as adults, we can all learn to accept our differences, embrace our quirks, and support the different paths that we've taken.  To take the positive from the past and leave behind the negative.  To not take certain relationships for granted and to forgive those who have made us feel taken for granted. So while yes, in 2009 it would be nice to lose weight, get in shape, clean my closet, get my taxes filed on time, be successful, cure cancer, and change the world...  

My resolution is to figure out what home is.  Who home is.  And then to find my way there.

I'll be back as soon as I make history.

Goodbye 2008

Three months ago I came up with the concept for The Unspoken Heart.  I couldn't tell you exactly when or how it happened, or what specifically inspired me to start writing.  I don't know where this journey is going to lead me, or if it will turn out the way I had originally planned.

What I can tell you is that those who have sent in their letters and stories have touched my heart so deeply that I know this is something I need to keep pursuing.  There are so many people out there who live and function every day with these thoughts and words streaming through their mind and soul.  They push them away, they forget about them, and they move on, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this person once existed very prominently in their life, and will never be forgotten.

A few months ago I published my first round of excerpts, and one entry seemed to catch the eye of all of my readers.  This story was sent to me by a young man in response to my very first blog entry, and was so powerful to read I would like to share the whole piece.  He and his girlfriend broke up about two years ago, because she "felt a sense of disconnect."  According to him, the disconnect was because he was involved with another woman... something his ex-girlfriend never knew.  Here is his full response:

"What I took away from this experience is that sometimes good people make mistakes.  I took away the fact that a person can have something so good and yet act like a wild person without any sense whatsoever.  I took away the fact that a person can chase a dream for seemingly forever, only to forget what they've got once they finally have it.  I took away the fact that, after all is done, you can sometimes smell a person's scent long after they've gone.  I took away the fact that momentary sins of the flesh can lead to a lifetime of what ifs, but fors, and please Gods.  I took away the fact that fingertips have memories and they remember the curves of another person's body long after your mind has forgotten them.  I took away the fact that when someone says the eyes are the doorways to a person's soul that they must not have met me.  I took away the fact that, when all is said and done, I really wonder if it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  I took away the fact that, when all is said and done, I'm so lucky to have met her.  I wrote a letter to her that will never be sent.  It will never be sent because, I feel, it cannot be.  I have to write the letter because, even after two years apart, the situation just kept digging through the middle of me."

There are only three days left of 2008.  Make them count.  Write your letter.  Make a phone call.  It's never too late when it comes to matters of the heart.  Tuck 2008 neatly into bed, close its eyes, and let it sleep forever.  2009 is a whole new ball game.

Happy New Year everyone.  Thank you for reading, responding, and supporting.  When that clock strikes midnight on Wednesday evening, may you be filled with a feeling of happiness and hope that carries you throughout the year.

See you on the other side ;)