Perfect Strangers

The ringing in of a new year typically brings the same reaction in people.  Make a resolution, vow to change your life, promise to start anew, so on and so forth.  In theory, it makes sense.  Who doesn't want to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start?  But what about everything you left behind in the previous year?  Do those people, places and things come with you?  Do they figure into your new plan?  How do you choose who to bring  along for the next leg of the ride and who to leave at the rest stop of 2008?

I was listening to this beautiful song right before I started I writing tonight called "Duet" by Rachel Yamagata.  The song is, quite literally, a duet between her and Ray LaMontagne, and is quickly becoming a favorite based on the fantastic harmonies and timeless message... no matter how far we drift apart there is always a chance to come back "home."  It made me think of how so many of the relationships in my life have evolved and changed in the past few years... some for the better, and some, well, not so much.  At what point do you let it go, and how do you know if it's worth it to find your way back again?

I felt sad for a moment, wondering what happened with those people I used to know so well.  How two people, who had once been so close, now simply share polite exchange and somewhat forced banter.  I thought about the different eyes I have looked into and at one time saw love, hope, laughter, familiarity... those eyes now appear angry, empty, scared, and/or indifferent.  The relationships I'm thinking of aren't only romantic ones... some are family and friends as well.  They are people who I can't seem to reach no matter how hard I try, people who I've grown apart from and don't know how it happened.  These people are the Jenga blocks of my life... one wrong word, wrong action, wrong decision- and the relationship comes crashing down.  They are the ones that once knew me better than most, and now are virtually perfect strangers.

How DO we find our way back in these situations?  Back to the place we knew, we loved, we were happy in?  The feeling I have when I think of them is similar to how I feel when I pass the house I grew up in.  I can still see, feel, hear, and smell every memory that happened there.  I see the wood panel floors where my brother split his chin on my eleventh birthday.  I see the tall weed growing seemingly out of the deck, the concrete basketball court,  and the gazebo that hosted many late night storytelling with family friends.  I remember my room, my little closet that I would sometimes sit in when I didn't want to deal with anyone.  I can remember the smell of Sunday morning breakfasts and New Years Eve pizzas and sausages.  But now someone else lives there... there's new visitors, new furniture, new landscape.  Is it still the same?

I'm looking forward to this year.  I'm excited about this phase in my life, and I am so grateful for those who have been there with me every step of the way.  But there's still a part of me that hopes the holes that sit in my memory, in my heart, can be filled this year.  That now, as adults, we can all learn to accept our differences, embrace our quirks, and support the different paths that we've taken.  To take the positive from the past and leave behind the negative.  To not take certain relationships for granted and to forgive those who have made us feel taken for granted. So while yes, in 2009 it would be nice to lose weight, get in shape, clean my closet, get my taxes filed on time, be successful, cure cancer, and change the world...  

My resolution is to figure out what home is.  Who home is.  And then to find my way there.

I'll be back as soon as I make history.

I'm listening.

Since I've started this project I've had several people ask me where my inspiration came from.  The truth is, my inspiration for this actually came from simply talking to people.

The human mind has always amazed me... I guess that's why I became a psych major in college.  The way we think and feel varies so greatly from person to person, and I find it fascinating that two people going through the same exact situation in life will handle it dramatically different.  Some people choose to lean on family and friends in times of need, others internalize their grief and try to handle it on their own.  Some become depressed, some become angry, and some fake happiness so well they even fool themselves.

In life, honesty is a rarity.  We often color the truth with what we think sounds better, what we think other people want to hear, or what we wish was the truth but is actually far from it.  This is especially true when it comes to revealing our feelings.  "I love you" and "I hate you" are two of the most powerful sentences in the English language, and can be the most difficult to say.  Even scarier is writing those words down, because once they have been penned you cannot take them back.  You cannot deny them.

I started this project because sometimes, you just need someone to listen.  You need to put your words out there, clear your mind, get everything off your chest, and unleash your feelings.  You don't want someone telling you how you should feel, or how long you are allowed to feel that way.  You don't need another sympathetic head nod, awkward hug, or "It just takes time."  Yes, everything happens for a reason, and that reason is life.

So talk.  Write.  Vent.  Cry.  Laugh.  Be honest.  Ask for forgiveness.  Forgive.  Say goodbye.  Say hello.  Say I'm sorry.

I'm listening.

Do you have a letter?

Do you have a relationship that changed your life? Did it end in a way that left you with unanswered questions, a broken heart, or simply a lack of goodbye?

So often we are told, “write a letter but don’t send it.” It helps to collect your thoughts, it sometimes brings closure, and it gives you a chance to say goodbye to a relationship that deeply affected you. I've written and rewritten letters to my loved ones in all shapes and forms. Some can be found in my journal, some in my outbox, and some are simply word documents hidden in a folder on my computer... all safe harbors for the words better left unsaid. 

As alone as you may feel at certain points in your life, it's comforting to know that someone else understands, or has experienced what you have thought or felt.  Letting go of that letter- putting it out in the universe to share with others- can be liberating and therapeutic.  Which is what brings me to ask of you...

Share your story, if you have one that is.  If you don't, or you are not ready to share just quite yet, pass the word on to a friend or family member.   

Take a few moments to respond to the questions below. If you already have a letter written to an ex please submit that as well… if not… start writing! The letter can be to anyone... an ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, an old friend, a lover.  Make sure the letter is anonymously addressed- only you should know who it is.

Send me your answers in an e-mail- clm1126@gmail.com. Or if you'd rather, just send your letter.

Thank you for sharing your story with me...  

1. Please state your age and gender:

2. What is the relationship of your ex to you? (Boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, friend, lover)

3. How long did you know this person?

4. How long has it been since you were last together?  How long since you last saw each other/spoke to each other?

5. How did you meet?

6. Why did you break up? Or if there was no romantic involvement, why is this person no longer in your life?

7. Have you moved on since? What is your relationships status now?

8. What did you take from this experience? Why is it important for you to write this letter (or if you already wrote it why did you do it)?