The Caterpillar

The stunning blue sky and cool, spring temperature inspired me to take my workout outside this morning.  As I briskly moved across the pavement of my old neighborhood I thought to myself how the right amount of anger, mixed with disgust and frustration, paired with a playlist that consists Daughtry's "Over You" can really get the blood pumping.  

Memories of the past year flooded through my head, as I still sit in slight disbelief of where life has taken me.  Just a few short weeks since my business has closed, I'm still in the process of moving my entire life out of Philadelphia and trying to figure out what my next steps should be.  It's overwhelming really... while people often glamorize starting a "new chapter," having so much freedom can be downright scary.

I have felt quite defeated lately.  I know the future holds endless possibilities and all the opportunities I've been waiting to experience, but quite frankly I am totally lost and incredibly lonely.  There seems to be a cloud of irony that looms over every decision I've made, and I find myself simply wanting to withdraw from situations that I normally would tackle head-on out of pure exhaustion.  It's as though I've been fighting a war for years, convinced if I stuck it out long enough I could claim victory... and I recently discovered there is no way I can win.  So now I surrender.

Five years ago I moved my entire life out of NJ to begin anew in Philadelphia.  I set up a business, invested in property, worked multiple jobs, and decorated a home fit for a "grown-up."  Now I spend most night's sleeping at my parents house, boxes and bags covering the floor of the basement, items still lingering at my old house waiting to be moved, equipment from the studio sitting on craigslist hoping to be sold.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere at the moment.

So I'm plugging along on my walk this morning, all of these thoughts flowing through my head.  I'm about a 1/4 mile from returning home, when out of nowhere a tiny caterpillar blew off a leaf and landed on my hand.  I let him crawl for a bit and then safely placed him back in the tree, tears beginning to well in my eyes.  You see, that caterpillar is a symbol of hope for me.  A few months back, an old friend recommended the book "Hope For the Flowers"- a tale about the journey two caterpillars took to become butterflies.  Since reading that story, I've felt a strong parallel to where I was in my life... knowing that after years of struggling to make life happen as a caterpillar it was time to wrap myself in a cocoon and prepare to be a butterfly.  

I haven't been able to write for almost a month, because every entry I attempted was filled with such anger and negativity that I feared I would discourage my readers.  But I leave you all with this...

The best learning experiences in life are the ones that tear you apart.  They challenge you, they test you, they make you question every fiber of your being and every thought in your head.  These experiences break you, scatter your pieces, and then slowly put you back together again.  There will be those in this world who will always try to bring you down.  There will be jobs that you don't enjoy and career decisions that you will be forced to make, whether you want to or not.  There will be people who will not appreciate you, people who will break your heart, and people who will take the joy out of things you once loved.  As time goes on and life twists and turns, those who were once so close to you may one day become complete strangers.  And while sometimes it's important to give up on things, whether it's a person, a job, or a project, it's equally important to NEVER give up on yourself.  Because we all begin as caterpillars- it's those who possess an underrated strength to hide away for a bit, walk away from the familiar and comfortable, and escape from the only life known... those are the caterpillars who become the most beautiful butterflies.  They allowed themselves to change.

To anyone who is struggling, doubting, hating, fearing, worrying, or stressing as I have been this past month... I hope you find your caterpillar too.

There Will Come A Day...

There will come a day when my legs will no longer be strong enough to move me gracefully across a stage.

There will come a day when my senses will be weakened... sound won't be as crisp, sight won't be as vibrant, touch will have transformed.

There will come a day when I will no longer be the center of my universe... children and family will take precedence over every need, every thought, every moment, and every day I will be reminded that I need to care for others more than myself.

There will come a day when travel won't be an option.  At least not an easy one. It won't be simple to slide behind the wheel at an given moment and take off like the wind, with no one to answer to and often no idea where I will end up.

There will come a day when the worst heartaches of life will seem like a distant memory, when the friendships that have passed are simply pages in a scrapbook and the wild days of youth will turn to quiet moments with family and friends.

There will come a day when the words I have penned will turn into the time capsule of my life.  

But for today...

This is why I write.  This is why I dance.  This is why artists must seize the moment and create tangible pieces for the world to see, hear, and explore.  Because tomorrow, I may not feel the same.  And I want to remember how I felt today, whether it was the happiest day of my life or I felt completely stricken with grief.  I have learned from every emotion that passed through my body.  I have become a person.  A whole person.  And I will continue to add to that person to become even more complete.  If one form of art of mine can reach someone... make them feel less alone,  touch their heart or unleash an emotion... then I have made a difference in someone else's day.  That feeling of happiness is indescribable, for me at least.

So for all of my fellow artists out there, who may struggle with what they are creating, doubt what they have already produced, or are hesitant to explore something new... I encourage you to put that aside and embrace your talent, whatever it is.  Because that one little neuron that fires in your brain, igniting a spark of creativity and genius, will spread like wildfire into someone else's soul.  

Live for today.  Love for today.  There will come a day when you will wish you had.

Walking Away

Walking away from something you've put your heart into is never easy. It's part of your history, a chapter in your book, a frame that hangs on your wall of memories. No one ever knows when to walk away... sometimes you linger because it's comfortable and easy, other times you stay for fear of what the future holds. But those who are able to do it successfully open themselves up to paths of endless possibilities, as a friend of mine once pointed out.

There are people in this world who will make the decision to walk away easy for you. Whether its with unkind words, thoughtless actions, or inconsideration for your feelings, the more times you get beaten down the less likely you are to get back in the ring. I have spent the past year haunted by faces and voices who have both intentionally and unintentionally done everything in their power to rain on my happiness. I have encountered selfishness in it's ugliest form and a lack of graciousness from those who I have gone above and beyond for. I've tried my best to avoid some of the most pathetic and sad cases of people, those who really don't have a clue and never will, but somehow, someway, their faces manage to resurface time and time again. And finally one recent morning, I woke up empty. I realized that caring too much can be a burden. I began to understand that there is truth to the idea that people don't realize what they have until it's gone. I'm reluctant to admit that it's better to be the bigger person and do the right thing, even if it's not appreciated.

And I'm walking away. I'm leaving behind 5 years of memories, pain, love, passion, commitment, strife, confusion, frustration, success and failure to start anew. No one likes change.

I'm scared, I'm sad, but I'm doing what's best for me. I hope any of you who may find yourselves in this position have the strength to do it. It's both the weakest and most powerful I've ever felt in my life.

But as my mother told me last night, "You are not given things you cannot handle."

After Awhile.

I came across this jotted down in a journal, in the midst of cleaning my old bedroom at my parents house this weekend.  I thought the message was beautiful, something I needed to hear at this point in my life, and wanted to share.  

I hope you find it as inspiring as I did.

"After Awhile" by Veronica Shoffstall

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for paths.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong... and you really do have worth.

Paying It Forward.

Since I've started writing this blog it's been repeatedly called to my attention that some of my entries are on the darker side.  I've been called depressing, inspiring, deep, introspective, thoughtful, passionate, and intense, just to name a few.  Friends and strangers have privately approached me, thanking me for saying the words and thoughts that plague their mind but they fear to speak out loud.  

I wanted to share with you all a few lines of an e-mail that was written to me.  This year has been particularly difficult on many different levels, and I've been dealing with several internal struggles that I am still yet to conquer.  When I received this e-mail a few weeks ago, it somehow said all the things I needed to hear at the moment... things that I want to pass on to my readers who may deal with some of the same issues as myself.  I am only sharing a piece of it to keep in anonymous for the writer, but this is the piece that touched my heart.  I suppose this is my way of paying it forward...

"...  I think you have something inside you that may be special beyond what you see in the mirror.  You are an amazing lady...  Love love love... kisses kisses kisses... only joy to you.  Only love and everything that is good in this world to you.  Take it easy on yourself."

My response was brief:

"Thank you.  For seeing something in my that few have, for always having a kind word and a thoughtful gesture to share, and for making me feel like someone sees past the surface layer... a feat that I have struggled to make others see, or at least acknowledge, for longer than I care to admit.  

It means more than words can express."

We often take for granted that people know how we feel.  We don't tell them we love them, we don't tell them how important they are, and we sometimes don't even pay attention to them until it's too late... the hurt has been set in and the damage has been done.  So for all of you who have written to me, or have simply read and felt a connection, I encourage you to share those feelings with the people important to YOU.  Let the people in your lives know how much they mean.  Be aware.  Don't ever give up on someone or something you believe in, and don't think the gestures have to be grand to be effective.  Spend a few minutes each day, or at least each week, shooting out an e-mail or a text or a phone call.  

Words are the most powerful weapon to ever exist.  Pair those words with an action... And suddenly you are in charge of your own destiny.  

The Great Debate: Heart Vs. Head

There is something that physically happens to the heart when it is stimulated.  During cases of extreme sadness, the heart will swell to a point where it pushes against your throat and your stomach, forcing all parts of your body to virtually become overwhelmed and shut down in despair.  During moments of extreme happiness, the heart beats fast and furious, sending rushes of elation throughout the body and causing all organs to shift gears into overdrive.  Different things can stimulate this reaction, but most of the time it stems from some form of love or heartbreak.

I had the pleasure of spending time with both family and friends these past few days, many of whom I have not seen or enjoyed quality time with in months.  Being with them reminded me of how it felt to be happy, how it felt to be understood, and how it felt to not feel alone.  It was wonderful.  But as I drove out of the city tonight, my heart began to feel heavy.  Tears welled in my eyes as my latest CD obsession blared on the stereo, and I found myself angry for letting the worried and confused thoughts in my mind cancel out the joy felt in my heart in time spent with loved ones.

It made me wonder which of the two organs are more powerful, the head or the heart?  Do you follow your heart, the small flutter that beats and rushes butterflies of excitement to your stomach?  Or do you cautiously steer down the logical path in your head, avoiding sharp turns and dark territories that may prove to be exciting and dangerous, for fear of the pain they could inevitably cause?  As a society we are conditioned to follow the safe path.  Our brains reinforce right from wrong and we stubbornly march to the beat of the familiar drum, oddly comforted by the obvious image that lies at the end of the road.  Why?  Why not take chances?  Why not put ourselves out there to feel and love and hurt and cry and laugh and hate and forgive and forget and move on and walk away and come back and regret and rejoice....

Why does the brain always play the role of the angel and the heart of the devil?  Where does the happy medium come into play?  Relationships aren't meant to be scripted.  They are meant to be full of passion, chemistry, trust, and support.  Friendships aren't meant to be ordinary.  They should be an escape, a breath of fresh air, an honest look in the mirror and a place to rest our heads.  

As a dancer, one of my favorite quotes was always "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."  Well, there is always music playing in my head, and sometimes it drowns out the thoughts that are trying desperately to convince me not to say and do things.  Does that mean others think I'm insane?  Probably.

I live life for passion.  I live for those swellings of my heart, those rapid flutters, that squeamish stomach ache, the waterfall of tears and the loud rhythm of laughter.  I live for my heart, not for my head.

In my opinion, it's the only way to live.

LOST

A few weeks ago I was explaining my obsession for the show LOST to a friend of mine who had never watched it.  She asked me, "Is it one of those shows that makes you think about your life?"  To which I responded, "NO.  It's the exact opposite.  It's the one hour every week that I DON'T think about my life.  There is so much happening on the show I simply can't."

After watching yet another heart-pounding episode tonight I started to think about why it is I love this show so much.  Yes, Sawyer is easy on the eyes and makes my heart skip a beat every time he smiles, and yes, I can't help but stare at how flawless Juliet and Kate's hair and skin always seem to be no matter how many days they've gone without showering, but it's worlds more than just the superficial aspects.

This show is the ultimate escape.  It stimulates all of your senses and challenges even the most simple minds to dig a little deeper and think a little harder. If you stop and consider the tragic premise on which the show is based, and how the majority of the world has an intense fear of flying, it's amazing how vast the audience is.  

I think it's because deep down, everyone wants to find their own "island."  Not necessarily in the sense that they want to be chased by smoke monsters or tortured in cages, but let's be honest, the chance to have a fresh start is pretty damn appealing.  Every character on that show was given a second chance at life, an opportunity to reinvent themselves, regardless of how successful they were at living it once the time came.  The internal struggles that we watched week after week are something we can all relate to, because everyone can find a piece of themselves in the angels and demons that reside on the shoulders of each character.

There is solace and comfort in the idea that we as individuals have a greater purpose in life.  We gravitate towards others who challenge us, who feed into and off of our deepest thoughts.  But then we turn and run from these people, who hold mirrors to our faces and force us to see reality.  In the end, we always end up looking back in wonder.  

We'll cling to those who hurt us, often with blurred vision and a forgetful heart, searching for an answer that may never come.  We avoid those who know us, because nothing is scarier than someone who can see right through you.  And yet we ache for those who look right through us, as though we aren't even there.

Huh.  I guess LOST does make me think about my life after all.   Now, I need to go lay down and let my overheated brain cool off for the night.  Until next week...

All Grown Up

From the first encounter with disappointment at a young age, we are taught that things happen for a reason. We are led to believe that if we are good people, we will be treated well by others. We think the people we fall in love with will love us in return, and that our hearts won't steer us wrong. We plan our lives from high school through college, from age 20 to age 40, from our first job through retirement, believing that we will live and abide by the blueprints we have laid.

And as we grow up... we realize we were wrong about everything.

If someone would have told me what life would be like at 27 I would have laughed at them, or maybe even slapped them.  Being the ultimate planner and control freak, I was convinced by age 16 that I knew exactly what I wanted, precisely where I was headed, and what direction my life would take. Now, I sit on a daily basis and try to wrap my head around reality. I replay details and memories in my head, trying to understand how I, being the "smart girl" that I am, could have been wrong in what felt like the right decisions.  I think about the choices I made, wondering if I've given enough to my career, debating the pros and cons of not following a traditional route, and feeling like I somehow missed the boat that everyone else jumped on years ago.  I consider myself old, and not because of how I look or act, but because MY ship sailed a course that bypassed youth and went straight to adulthood.

I feel alone, and grown ups aren't supposed to feel alone. They're supposed be strong and reliable, taking charge of situations and not wallowing in self-pity. Grown ups have bills to pay, mouths to feed, functions to attend, warm bodies to sleep with at night and responsibilities to uphold.  Some people are forced into this role way too early; others never quite make it there.  Is that really fair?  Why are some able to selfishly extend their youth, make a mess of things around them and leave the clean up for the unfortunate ones who stepped up to the plate way before their time? 

Why do I feel punished for being who I am, an alien amongst my peers, struggling to find a place to belong and a life that I'm comfortable with?  At some point the frustration of giving and giving to everyone and everything, just to receive so little in return, pools like black liquid in my heart, filling the gaping hole yet leaving me completely empty.

We live in a world plagued with "Peter Pan Syndrome."  The economy is a mess, monogamy is virtually dead, you can stay in school forever earning various degrees, thanks to the internet people can extend high school drama well into their mid-life crisis, and through all of this we put the blame of our misfortunes on everyone but ourselves.  Words are weapons, full of accountability, because somehow, somewhere, it was documented and publicly displayed on a website, blog, or social networking community.  In a sense, everyone has reverted back to a child-like existence, full of excuses and not willing to take responsibility for their actions.   Any chance to take the easy road is pounced on, no reason needed, because it will not be challenged.  It's accepted.

Well I will not accept it.  I will not apologize for being a grown up.  I am a fighter, and I shall not back away from real-life, even as it throws heart-wrenching, painful curve balls that crush my spirit and my soul.  I will not feel sorry for making decisions that do not please other people.  I refuse to take the easy road, for on the easy road there is nothing to learn.  There is no excitement, no spontaneity.  Without challenge, there is no true success.  Without suffering and adversity, there is no appreciation.  Without loss, there is no gain.

Most importantly, I will not settle.  Whatever my "grown-up" life is comprised of, it will be so full of passion and beauty that when I wake in the morning my chest will ache with joy.  And for everyone still hanging out on the playground, running from the Grim Reeper of Childhood, clinging to the Ghost of Youthful Past... you don't know what you're missing.

A jar of snow

Mother Nature struck once again last night, showering the city with fine crystals of snow that settled into powdery blankets.   I sat on a small side street in the Village, noticing how the tall street lamps highlighted the swirling patterns and clean sparkle of the falling snow, and wished for a moment that I could bottle that moment the way we collect sand from our favorite shores.

Snow is the most fickle of all the weather personalities.  As each flake falls we are filled with the excitement and anticipation of what is to come.  Standing covered, wet and cold, our body temperature rises, our cheeks flush, and our inner child comes out to play.  The snow then settles, nestling itself on sidewalks, trees, grass, buildings, and any place it finds a welcoming surface.  Bit by bit these flakes bond together, forming pristine layers.  Soon we are gazing out at a winter wonderland, a sight that brings peace to even the most active minds and heavy hearts.  We long for a moment to stop time... take this image and store it in a place where it can never melt.

But soon after the last flake has fallen, the peacefulness is broken.  Plows burst in spreading sand and salt, reclaiming their territory, disrupting the picturesque serenity.  Temperatures rise, footprints stomp through, snow turns to slush, and soon our Norman Rockwell painting has turned into a cold gray battleground.  Until one day, the snow is simply gone.  All that remains are small piles that have survived the beating sun, and serve as reminders of what was once there.

The city in the snow provides a false sense of security.  It calms our mind and eases our hearts, but it's always temporary.  Moments seem more intense due to the dramatic background, but we are not to be fooled... the snow may make everything beautiful, but what lies underneath remains the same.

This will most likely be the last big snowfall of the winter.  It's now March, and we sit eager with anticipation for the first buds on the trees to blossom, hear the birds begin to chirp again, see the butterflies emerge from their cocoons, and shed our bulky coats, hats, and gloves for t-shirts, flips flops, and sun-kissed skin.  

But on my memory mantle will always sit that jar of snowfall.  Those moments that I bottled up for eternity.  The images of winter that brought hope to my heart and warmth to my soul.  

Enjoy the snow day...

Lightening things up a bit...

So my last few entries have been pretty intense, and in fear that I may have scared off some of my readers or sent them plunging into an early suicide, I decided to write something to lighten the mood.  I was informed that MY version of the ever-so-popular Top 25 list was not full of enough humor to captivate my more optimistic audience, and I would like to state once and for all that I am in fact, a funny person.

Here is a revised, light, humorous and honest version of the things you should know about me.  I'm not all Sarah McLachlan...

1.  My favorite song to belt out when no one is listening is "The Star-Spangled Banner."  I don't know why.  But it has been the song of choice for hundreds of shower serenades.  The acoustics in the bathroom are the best.

2.  I have the world's smallest bladder.  I pee every hour, on the hour, and can rarely make it through a car ride without stopping.  I am pretty sure I will need  Detrol LA by the time I'm 30.

3.  I cannot walk in a straight line.  Seriously.  Try walking with me sometime.  I will knock you over without a second glance.

4.  My favorite animal is a dolphin.  I have a mild obsession with their friendly faces and I admire them for being the only animals that mate for pleasure.  When I was younger I wanted to be a dolphin trainer.  I still might go for it.

5.  Around the age of 5 my favorite book was Strega Nonna.  There is a video of me reading it out loud to the video camera as my brother ran in circles around the table behind me.  As my mom tried to capture his antics, I kept moving front of the camera, determined not to be upstaged by him.  I guess there is a little diva in me after all.

6.  I think one of the most important qualities a person can have is the ability to laugh at themselves. 

7.  I was born on Thanksgiving Day, 1981.  After putting my mother through over ten hours of labor, I popped out at a scale-topping 9lbs, 7 oz.  That's a big ass baby.  However, I lost a pound my first few days in the hospital.  I like to think it was the Weight Watchers milk they fed me.  Baby's first diet.  

8.  I am slightly obsessed with matching.  Clothes, underwear, accessories, etc.  Even my pajamas match.  If you walk in and see me in clashing clothes, something is seriously wrong.

9.  If I could live on the Island in Lost, I would.  Yes, the smoke monster scares me, and all the dead people that pop up are creepy, but seriously... that island has enough to stimulate my mind for eternity.

10.  I like my sense of humor dry, with a twist, and three olives.

11.  I pull out my eyebrows when I'm stressed.  I'm lucky I still have any at this rate.

12.  Foods with faces scare me.  I'm not a strict vegetarian, but I cannot eat anything in it's full form.  I don't understand how people can eat something when the eyes are still staring at you, or the legs are dangling lifelessly. It's cruel.

13.  At any given moment, I am thinking of at least three things, if not more.  My brain is so overactive I'm surprised smoke hasn't spewed from my ears and sparks haven't shot out of my eyes.  Just last week I locked myself out of my own bedroom and had to take the doorknob off to get back in, simply because I wasn't paying attention.  It's my flakiest quality.

14.  My favorite flower is the calla lily.  I think they are beautiful, and just seeing them makes me happy.

15.  I am a secret cuddler.  I like to pretend that I am tough and independent, but if you hit my emotional weak spot, I curl up like a baby.  

16.  I am a TALKER.  I am that girl that continues the conversation for about 5 minutes after you've been disconnected, because I've been talking so much I don't realize there is no one on the other line.  I talk to myself all the time when I'm alone.  Maybe that's why I became a writer... it's like talking but with no one to interrupt you.

17.  I love vintage clothes.  My grandmother gave me three vintage dresses this past year that I wore for various occasions, and I have never felt more glamorous.  My dad calls them "old dresses," I call them time machines.  It's hot to get dressed up in another era and feel like someone besides yourself.  I highly recommend it.

18.  I love the feeling of being naked in the water.  It's incredibly liberating.

19.  I have the most vivid dreams you could possibly imagine.  To the point where I think I might be psychic sometimes.  My sixth sense is freakishly strong.

20.  I am obsessed with Google.  I google everything.  If anyone ever got hold of my browser history, I would have to change my identity and flee the country.  I fool people into thinking I am much smarter than I really am by googling things.... sshh, don't tell.

21.  I want desperately to learn how to play the drums.  There is a seriously suppressed rocker chick lingering inside me.  

22. I will answer to the names Christina, Chris, Morelli, Steen, Beena, Been, Crazy, etc... but I will not answer to Chrissy.  I am not a Chrissy.  Oh and it drives me MAD when people call me Christine.  Particularly when I say "Hi, I'm Christina" and they say "Hi Christine."  Are you deaf?  Did you miss that last syllable?

23.  I love flip flops.  I will wear them any season, rain, sleet, or snow.  They are like orgasms for my feet.  I also love dresses.  I have a ridiculous amount.  I would wear a dress every day if I could.  It is my one really girlie indulgence.

24.  I know that I have the best family and friends in the world, because any other group of people would have committed me to an insane asylum a long time ago... but they take my craziness in strides.

25.  I believe in being different.  I believe in second chances, following dreams, setting goals, not settling, challenging yourself, going out of your comfort zone, finding love, losing love, not going to bed angry, knowing when to apologize and when to stand your ground, being scared, being confident, and most importantly, being YOU.  

I hope you all have made a list of the things that make you unique.  Do it.  Go back and read it when you're having a rough day.  I'll leave you with this quote by Elie Weisel....

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.

The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.

And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."

May you never experience indifference.

  

Crossroads

I am standing in the middle of the woods alone.  Surrounding me are various pathways... some dark and brooding, with long, dried branches that reach to me like fragile fingers... some sunny, bright, and clear, with bursts of light rays streaming on my face.  Others are simple, just a dirt road, some plush trees, and a few hints of flowers to decorate the otherwise monotonous path.  This place where I stand, is a crossroad.  Behind me lies the road I have taken up until this point.  Shouts of frustration, anger, and sadness are still ringing in my ears and echoing in the forest, but I try desperately to block them out so I can move on.  I can feel my faith dwindling, and I have a strong feeling of resentment towards those who have ripped it from me along the way.  My coat that I wear is laced with guilt and failure, and while I know I have to leave it behind I am fearful of taking it off.  I have become comfortable in it's worn and familiar smell, it's soft and ragged touch, and the warmth and shelter it has provided me with when I did not want to see the world as it was.

Underneath this coat I wear nothing.  When I choose my path, I must shed my coat and enter freely.  There can be no protection, no hiding, no excuses, and no exceptions.  I have to trust that when I encounter new people, they will love me for who I am.  I have to believe that I can be successful in new ventures without others teaching me everything there is to know.  I have to understand that there will still be those who turn away from my naked and vulnerable presence, and this does not speak as a testament to who I am.

Most importantly, I have to feel with every ounce of my soul that I have made the right decision.  I must shout down the path of frustrated, angry, and sad voices that I thank them for what they have brought to my life, but the time has come for us all to part ways.  I need to be willing to let go of who I was to become who I was meant to be.

I am standing in the middle of the woods by myself... and I am terrified.  I can feel the lump in my throat and the tears forming behind my eyes.  I am still so close to the previous path that I can see the faces and expressions of those I am walking away from.  I can feel their bodies wrapping me in tight embraces and I can see their smiles filling me with hope.  I look past these faces to those who left me before I could ever leave them.  They stare at me blankly, as if to say "What are you waiting for?"

I turn to those who have already passed me on this path, their footprints still fresh in the muddy trails.  I shout after them to wait for me, but it's too late, they have already gone.  I must make this journey on my own.

I waiver for a minute because I don't know if I am ready.

So I take a deep breath and close my eyes.  I turn one last time to the path I have been led down, and I can only say "Thank you."  I cannot bring myself to say goodbye.  I can only hope that one day, my honesty will be understood.  I can only pray that one day, my faith will be restored.

I do not turn around again, because I am afraid if I do, I will change my mind.  I slowly remove my coat, leaving it lying in a lifeless pool around my bare feet, and shaking slightly, I take my first step.  

And for the time being, that's where the story ends.

All You Need is Love

Sometimes life makes it hard to still believe in love. Every day there are temptations thrown in our faces, rules changed, promises broken, and dreams shattered. We meet new people, form relationships, take chances, and often walk away feeling defeated and alone.

But every now and then a person comes along that offers a glimmer of hope. A small ray of light in a dark and confusing world, where we are not only struggling to find out who others are, but also who we are ourselves. When that person comes into your life you want to celebrate. You want them to know how happy you are, and how happy they make you. And you should share that... EVERY DAY.

Valentine's Day has become a bit of a controversial holiday, full of stereotypes and expectations. If you say you don't like this holiday, you are bitter. If you say you love it, you're a conformist. Where do I fall on the spectrum? I'm a cynical hopeless romantic. As my brother would say, "That's a wicked combination."

I don't believe you need a designated holiday to celebrate how much you love and care about someone. First of all, the holiday colors- red and pink- clash horrendously. Second of all, those little conversation hearts... they taste like chalk. No romance in that. Third of all, there is no reason to save a date, evening activity, special event, or dinner for this particular night, when you can realistically do these things at any given time. If on June 2 I was surprised with a romantic and spontaneous evening, well, THAT would be MY Valentine's Day. No Hallmark card needed.

And who's to say that the love celebrated needs to be a romantic love? Love comes in all forms, shapes and sizes. It melts, it grows, it develops in unexpected places, it fades and is then revived. The symbols of love should not consist of flowers, candy, and jewelry... they should be the things that take form as you learn to love. The pictures taken and letters written. The small "I saw this and thought of you" tokens. The rooms filled with laughter and tears. The phone calls and text messages just because. Personally, I don't save these things for a boyfriend or husband... they should be shared with everyone you love. The imprints left on your heart don't simply come from cliche dates and good sex... they come from the spot in your brain that tells you, wow, I really love and need this person in my life.

So yes, if you love someone, show it. But don't save it for Valentine's Day, or any other holiday for that matter. Make it an every day thing. Because in the world we live in, and the hard times that everyone in this country is feeling, the one free thing we can give is love.

And that's something that everyone needs.

A little about ME

When I first started this blog I was in a really intense place. There were a lot of changes happening in my life, and lot of decisions to be made, and a heaping pile of confusion that surrounded every waking minute of my day. I loved the idea of "Unspoken Heart" because I knew that I wasn't the only one struggling with so many questions, regrets, heartache, and frustrations, and I wanted there to be an outlet for people to share. A safe community of like souls.

Four months later I am writing to you from what I hope is a different place. From eyes that see the world in bright, vibrant color instead of dismal gray. From lips that speak honestly about what they want, and what they deserve. From ears that hear not just songs of disparity, but also songs of hope. From a heart that beats a little softer from the hurt, but a lot stronger from the pain.

In reading the letters other people wrote I came to realize that I was not alone. That none of us are. There will always be someone out there who can relate to what you are saying, how you are feeling, and what you are thinking. I've grown proud to say that yes, I want love and peace, but I will fight you to the death when I believe passionately in something or someone. I've learned that it's OK to not believe in the word NEVER. Because I don't. I believe in those little voices in my head, that may often misguide me, but not without reason.

I'd like to open up the forum again for people to continue sending letters. They can be to a friend, family member, lover, enemy... anything you need or want to get off your chest. If you are still hesistant, because you don't know me, don't trust me, or are uncomfortable sharing your feelings with a complete stranger, here are a few things about me to familiarize yourself with...

1. I am a trained dancer since the age of two, yet I fall almost every day.

2. I hate all horror movies, but I am particularly terrified of the movie Jurassic Park.

3. My favorite place to be, any season, any time of the day, is the beach.

4. I love my family, both real and extended, more than anything. They have supported me through everything and have tried their best to understand the way I see the world. However, sometimes I feel like I am the "black sheep."

5. I am deathly afraid that my grandparents will pass away before I get married.

6. My favorite color is blue, my eyes stand out when I wear green, I feel powerful in red, and I'm happiest in yellow.

7. When I meet people, their families usually love me. Their friends love me. Their pets love me. But the one person who means the most to me... that's who I struggle with. Sometimes, I fear that I may be a difficult person to love.

8. I have spent my whole life being insecure about my weight and appearance, despite a web of family and friends who always tried to make me feel beautiful. I was convinced that if I was skinnier and prettier my whole life would be different. I'm currently the thinnest I've been since high school and I've never felt more alone or invisible.

9. I am comforted when I have a cup of coffee in my hands.

10. I love red wine and I'm bothered when people drink white zinfandel.

11. Dance is my passion, I can't imagine my life without it. However, I constantly question if I'm truly talented at what I do, or if I've just always been a "big fish in a small pond."

12. I think the two hardest things about being single are 1. Not knowing who to trust, and 2. Having so much love to give, so much beauty to share and no one on the receiving end.

13. I have a major fear of abandonment and rejection. The fear didn't manifest itself out of thin air. Thank you Cupid, for your misguided arrow.

14. I am incredibly bothered by "posers." You know, those people that conform to be what another person wants them to be. The ones that pretend to like and be interested in things just to attract someone, but actually have little in common with them. I don't play games and I can't stand the people who do.

15. I cry A LOT. Definitely more than the average person. My favorite place to cry is the bathroom. My second place to cry is my car. Sometimes when I laugh really hard, I end up crying too. I believe crying is good for you. I cry at every curtain call of a live performance and every "Surprise" at a surprise party. I do not discriminate when it comes to tears.

16. I am an aggressive driver. Some may translate that to mean "bad driver." I just don't know how to do anything slow.

17. The people I met in my mid-20s are some of the most fun, interesting and stimulating people in my life. I LOVE meeting new people. But there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about the friendships and relationships I've lost touch with over the past ten years. Time passes, life gets in the way, but I miss them all the same.

18. I never understood how much it could hurt to see someone you loved loving someone else until it happened to me. That pain still sits in me every day. I have a really hard time getting over things I can't understand.

19. I have a toe thumb. Just one.

20. I absolutely love old buildings, churches, and different architecture and landscapes. It visually stimulates me to no end. I could wander cities and towns every day of my life and find something unusual and fascinating about them. My goal is to see all 50 states and visit each continent at least once. When I find that money tree in my backyard, I'll be on my way.

21. I am called "Morelli" more than I am called "Christina."

22. My brother is my best friend. I don't need a sister. That's what I have cousins and girlfriends for.

23. The past two years of my life have felt like a complete "Catch 22." I'm still waiting for that to change. I get frustrated when I put all of my heart and soul into something, and don't see the return. I am also incredibly bad at making decisions... it's quite torturous for me. So every time I've had to make one I question if it was right.

24. My dream is to one day dance and/or choreograph professionally. I also plan to write a book. And start another company. And take over the world. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. They will ALL be successful.

25. The arts are my life. Dance, music, painting, photography... I feel at home with people who share this passion. Music is therapy to me. Particularly when it's live. I could sit in a small venue with a great artist or band for hours, think about it for a few more hours, and then talk about it for a few more hours. Oh, and maybe do a little crying in between. ;)

A Different Kind of Letter

About 25 hours ago I was feeling great.  A little tired and stressed from work, but on a scale of 1-10 I would say my emotional well-being was at 8.5.  An hour later I overreacted to something, something I had swore to myself I would NOT let get to me anymore, and my number dropped to about a two.  I spent the following hour backpedaling, trying to fix what I had said, and feeling miserable despite my feeble efforts.  The funny thing is, I was less upset about the situation that instigated the overreaction, and more upset with how I handled it.  I broke a promise I made to myself, and the only face I had to point my finger at was my own.  

The past 23 hours I have spent with a knot in my stomach.  A position I have found myself in over and over again, because in truth, I am my own worst enemy.  I guess you could say I'm a bit impulsive at times, and no matter how I try I have not learned the art of counting to 10 before reacting.  (I also haven't learned the art of putting together a coherent sentence when I'm upset).  The problem is that each of these mistakes, every misstep, wrong word, poor communication, and bad judgement call, lingers on my mind far longer than it should.  I start thinking, analyzing, replaying everything I did or said until I've driven myself crazy.  So I decided to write a different kind of letter tonight.  It's easy for me to write letters to others, telling them how I feel, what I'm thinking, how wonderful, amazing, and beautiful I think they are... but I have a hard time instilling these feelings in myself.  So here goes...

Dear Christina,

You've spent a good part of your life apologizing for who you are.  Don't.  The people who truly love you know that you're a little bit crazy, and they love you anyway.  And the people who don't like you, well, to hell with them.  They don't know what they're missing.

How much time have you spent forgiving people who don't always deserve forgiveness, trying to make others happy, believing in the good in people, looking past what others see and looking for what others can't see? It's time to stop being a hypocrite, and practice a little of what you preach. 

It's OK to get angry and not feel guilty afterwards.  You don't need to apologize every time you fly off the handle... just know when it's justified and try to control it when it's not.

It's OK to be wrong.  And it's OK to make mistakes.  For some reason you haven't been able to learn that one yet.  Stop beating yourself up every time you don't act and react perfectly- perfection is boring.  And those bruises don't heal easily.

No one will ever be as hard on you as you are on yourself.  I guess you designed it that way.  You can deal with your own pain, but it hurts you to see other people in pain, and you'll do anything to prevent it or stop it.  

You need to learn to forgive YOURSELF.  Everyone makes mistakes, and YOU are no exception.  You cannot control other people, nor can you change them... As your mother always says, "You can only change how you respond to them."  

So let it go.  Whatever IT happens to be at the moment.  Smile, write, sleep, listen to music, watch LOST... do what you need to keep your mind busy until that feeling passes.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to start fresh.  Leave the past behind you, where it belongs.  Hold onto the memories that make you smile and lock up the ones that make you cry- they are there to serve as gentle reminders, not to hinder you from moving forward. 

You can't always have all the answers.  Half the fun of life is figuring it out... and you will... eventually.

Love,

Christina

Stability

Last year I taught a few psychology classes at a high school close to where I work. During one of the lessons I was teaching on personality development, I asked my students to think about one word that described what they wanted most out of life at this stage in the game. Most of the responses included success, happiness, love, acceptance, money, etc. They then turned the question back to me, and asked for my response. I said, "Stability."

Many of them looked surprised and one girl raised her hand, "But you seem to have it all together Miss Morelli, how could you be lacking in stability?" I smiled and said, "What you see on the outside isn't always what lies beneath. Yes, I have a career, a home, family, friends- the 'whole package' as some would say. But I still lie awake at night, plagued by choices I have to make. I question what my next move will be, and where it will take me to next. I think about the roads I have already chosen, and wonder if they were the right ones. Nothing in life is permanent, and as you grow, evolve, meet new people, and live in different places, your needs will change as well. So what you want out of life at 17 or 18 is going to change drastically after college when you hit the real world. It will change again in your mid-late 20s, and even further into your 30s. Your needs will constantly evolve... just as YOU will constantly evolve."

Almost a year has passed since I taught that lesson. And if they were to ask me that same question today, my response would still be "Stability." I don't know when it will come, or how I will get to that place. But I think about that class often... and how I rediscovered so much of myself in teaching those girls how and why we think, feel, and act the way we do.

Stability- defined as continuance without change; permanence. Maybe I'm just not ready to be stable... maybe my journey is meant to be a little bumpy, a little rocky, and full of twists and turns.

Perfect Strangers

The ringing in of a new year typically brings the same reaction in people.  Make a resolution, vow to change your life, promise to start anew, so on and so forth.  In theory, it makes sense.  Who doesn't want to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start?  But what about everything you left behind in the previous year?  Do those people, places and things come with you?  Do they figure into your new plan?  How do you choose who to bring  along for the next leg of the ride and who to leave at the rest stop of 2008?

I was listening to this beautiful song right before I started I writing tonight called "Duet" by Rachel Yamagata.  The song is, quite literally, a duet between her and Ray LaMontagne, and is quickly becoming a favorite based on the fantastic harmonies and timeless message... no matter how far we drift apart there is always a chance to come back "home."  It made me think of how so many of the relationships in my life have evolved and changed in the past few years... some for the better, and some, well, not so much.  At what point do you let it go, and how do you know if it's worth it to find your way back again?

I felt sad for a moment, wondering what happened with those people I used to know so well.  How two people, who had once been so close, now simply share polite exchange and somewhat forced banter.  I thought about the different eyes I have looked into and at one time saw love, hope, laughter, familiarity... those eyes now appear angry, empty, scared, and/or indifferent.  The relationships I'm thinking of aren't only romantic ones... some are family and friends as well.  They are people who I can't seem to reach no matter how hard I try, people who I've grown apart from and don't know how it happened.  These people are the Jenga blocks of my life... one wrong word, wrong action, wrong decision- and the relationship comes crashing down.  They are the ones that once knew me better than most, and now are virtually perfect strangers.

How DO we find our way back in these situations?  Back to the place we knew, we loved, we were happy in?  The feeling I have when I think of them is similar to how I feel when I pass the house I grew up in.  I can still see, feel, hear, and smell every memory that happened there.  I see the wood panel floors where my brother split his chin on my eleventh birthday.  I see the tall weed growing seemingly out of the deck, the concrete basketball court,  and the gazebo that hosted many late night storytelling with family friends.  I remember my room, my little closet that I would sometimes sit in when I didn't want to deal with anyone.  I can remember the smell of Sunday morning breakfasts and New Years Eve pizzas and sausages.  But now someone else lives there... there's new visitors, new furniture, new landscape.  Is it still the same?

I'm looking forward to this year.  I'm excited about this phase in my life, and I am so grateful for those who have been there with me every step of the way.  But there's still a part of me that hopes the holes that sit in my memory, in my heart, can be filled this year.  That now, as adults, we can all learn to accept our differences, embrace our quirks, and support the different paths that we've taken.  To take the positive from the past and leave behind the negative.  To not take certain relationships for granted and to forgive those who have made us feel taken for granted. So while yes, in 2009 it would be nice to lose weight, get in shape, clean my closet, get my taxes filed on time, be successful, cure cancer, and change the world...  

My resolution is to figure out what home is.  Who home is.  And then to find my way there.

I'll be back as soon as I make history.