Perfect Strangers

The ringing in of a new year typically brings the same reaction in people.  Make a resolution, vow to change your life, promise to start anew, so on and so forth.  In theory, it makes sense.  Who doesn't want to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start?  But what about everything you left behind in the previous year?  Do those people, places and things come with you?  Do they figure into your new plan?  How do you choose who to bring  along for the next leg of the ride and who to leave at the rest stop of 2008?

I was listening to this beautiful song right before I started I writing tonight called "Duet" by Rachel Yamagata.  The song is, quite literally, a duet between her and Ray LaMontagne, and is quickly becoming a favorite based on the fantastic harmonies and timeless message... no matter how far we drift apart there is always a chance to come back "home."  It made me think of how so many of the relationships in my life have evolved and changed in the past few years... some for the better, and some, well, not so much.  At what point do you let it go, and how do you know if it's worth it to find your way back again?

I felt sad for a moment, wondering what happened with those people I used to know so well.  How two people, who had once been so close, now simply share polite exchange and somewhat forced banter.  I thought about the different eyes I have looked into and at one time saw love, hope, laughter, familiarity... those eyes now appear angry, empty, scared, and/or indifferent.  The relationships I'm thinking of aren't only romantic ones... some are family and friends as well.  They are people who I can't seem to reach no matter how hard I try, people who I've grown apart from and don't know how it happened.  These people are the Jenga blocks of my life... one wrong word, wrong action, wrong decision- and the relationship comes crashing down.  They are the ones that once knew me better than most, and now are virtually perfect strangers.

How DO we find our way back in these situations?  Back to the place we knew, we loved, we were happy in?  The feeling I have when I think of them is similar to how I feel when I pass the house I grew up in.  I can still see, feel, hear, and smell every memory that happened there.  I see the wood panel floors where my brother split his chin on my eleventh birthday.  I see the tall weed growing seemingly out of the deck, the concrete basketball court,  and the gazebo that hosted many late night storytelling with family friends.  I remember my room, my little closet that I would sometimes sit in when I didn't want to deal with anyone.  I can remember the smell of Sunday morning breakfasts and New Years Eve pizzas and sausages.  But now someone else lives there... there's new visitors, new furniture, new landscape.  Is it still the same?

I'm looking forward to this year.  I'm excited about this phase in my life, and I am so grateful for those who have been there with me every step of the way.  But there's still a part of me that hopes the holes that sit in my memory, in my heart, can be filled this year.  That now, as adults, we can all learn to accept our differences, embrace our quirks, and support the different paths that we've taken.  To take the positive from the past and leave behind the negative.  To not take certain relationships for granted and to forgive those who have made us feel taken for granted. So while yes, in 2009 it would be nice to lose weight, get in shape, clean my closet, get my taxes filed on time, be successful, cure cancer, and change the world...  

My resolution is to figure out what home is.  Who home is.  And then to find my way there.

I'll be back as soon as I make history.