A Different Kind of Letter

About 25 hours ago I was feeling great.  A little tired and stressed from work, but on a scale of 1-10 I would say my emotional well-being was at 8.5.  An hour later I overreacted to something, something I had swore to myself I would NOT let get to me anymore, and my number dropped to about a two.  I spent the following hour backpedaling, trying to fix what I had said, and feeling miserable despite my feeble efforts.  The funny thing is, I was less upset about the situation that instigated the overreaction, and more upset with how I handled it.  I broke a promise I made to myself, and the only face I had to point my finger at was my own.  

The past 23 hours I have spent with a knot in my stomach.  A position I have found myself in over and over again, because in truth, I am my own worst enemy.  I guess you could say I'm a bit impulsive at times, and no matter how I try I have not learned the art of counting to 10 before reacting.  (I also haven't learned the art of putting together a coherent sentence when I'm upset).  The problem is that each of these mistakes, every misstep, wrong word, poor communication, and bad judgement call, lingers on my mind far longer than it should.  I start thinking, analyzing, replaying everything I did or said until I've driven myself crazy.  So I decided to write a different kind of letter tonight.  It's easy for me to write letters to others, telling them how I feel, what I'm thinking, how wonderful, amazing, and beautiful I think they are... but I have a hard time instilling these feelings in myself.  So here goes...

Dear Christina,

You've spent a good part of your life apologizing for who you are.  Don't.  The people who truly love you know that you're a little bit crazy, and they love you anyway.  And the people who don't like you, well, to hell with them.  They don't know what they're missing.

How much time have you spent forgiving people who don't always deserve forgiveness, trying to make others happy, believing in the good in people, looking past what others see and looking for what others can't see? It's time to stop being a hypocrite, and practice a little of what you preach. 

It's OK to get angry and not feel guilty afterwards.  You don't need to apologize every time you fly off the handle... just know when it's justified and try to control it when it's not.

It's OK to be wrong.  And it's OK to make mistakes.  For some reason you haven't been able to learn that one yet.  Stop beating yourself up every time you don't act and react perfectly- perfection is boring.  And those bruises don't heal easily.

No one will ever be as hard on you as you are on yourself.  I guess you designed it that way.  You can deal with your own pain, but it hurts you to see other people in pain, and you'll do anything to prevent it or stop it.  

You need to learn to forgive YOURSELF.  Everyone makes mistakes, and YOU are no exception.  You cannot control other people, nor can you change them... As your mother always says, "You can only change how you respond to them."  

So let it go.  Whatever IT happens to be at the moment.  Smile, write, sleep, listen to music, watch LOST... do what you need to keep your mind busy until that feeling passes.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to start fresh.  Leave the past behind you, where it belongs.  Hold onto the memories that make you smile and lock up the ones that make you cry- they are there to serve as gentle reminders, not to hinder you from moving forward. 

You can't always have all the answers.  Half the fun of life is figuring it out... and you will... eventually.

Love,

Christina