The Great Debate: Heart Vs. Head

There is something that physically happens to the heart when it is stimulated.  During cases of extreme sadness, the heart will swell to a point where it pushes against your throat and your stomach, forcing all parts of your body to virtually become overwhelmed and shut down in despair.  During moments of extreme happiness, the heart beats fast and furious, sending rushes of elation throughout the body and causing all organs to shift gears into overdrive.  Different things can stimulate this reaction, but most of the time it stems from some form of love or heartbreak.

I had the pleasure of spending time with both family and friends these past few days, many of whom I have not seen or enjoyed quality time with in months.  Being with them reminded me of how it felt to be happy, how it felt to be understood, and how it felt to not feel alone.  It was wonderful.  But as I drove out of the city tonight, my heart began to feel heavy.  Tears welled in my eyes as my latest CD obsession blared on the stereo, and I found myself angry for letting the worried and confused thoughts in my mind cancel out the joy felt in my heart in time spent with loved ones.

It made me wonder which of the two organs are more powerful, the head or the heart?  Do you follow your heart, the small flutter that beats and rushes butterflies of excitement to your stomach?  Or do you cautiously steer down the logical path in your head, avoiding sharp turns and dark territories that may prove to be exciting and dangerous, for fear of the pain they could inevitably cause?  As a society we are conditioned to follow the safe path.  Our brains reinforce right from wrong and we stubbornly march to the beat of the familiar drum, oddly comforted by the obvious image that lies at the end of the road.  Why?  Why not take chances?  Why not put ourselves out there to feel and love and hurt and cry and laugh and hate and forgive and forget and move on and walk away and come back and regret and rejoice....

Why does the brain always play the role of the angel and the heart of the devil?  Where does the happy medium come into play?  Relationships aren't meant to be scripted.  They are meant to be full of passion, chemistry, trust, and support.  Friendships aren't meant to be ordinary.  They should be an escape, a breath of fresh air, an honest look in the mirror and a place to rest our heads.  

As a dancer, one of my favorite quotes was always "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."  Well, there is always music playing in my head, and sometimes it drowns out the thoughts that are trying desperately to convince me not to say and do things.  Does that mean others think I'm insane?  Probably.

I live life for passion.  I live for those swellings of my heart, those rapid flutters, that squeamish stomach ache, the waterfall of tears and the loud rhythm of laughter.  I live for my heart, not for my head.

In my opinion, it's the only way to live.

LOST

A few weeks ago I was explaining my obsession for the show LOST to a friend of mine who had never watched it.  She asked me, "Is it one of those shows that makes you think about your life?"  To which I responded, "NO.  It's the exact opposite.  It's the one hour every week that I DON'T think about my life.  There is so much happening on the show I simply can't."

After watching yet another heart-pounding episode tonight I started to think about why it is I love this show so much.  Yes, Sawyer is easy on the eyes and makes my heart skip a beat every time he smiles, and yes, I can't help but stare at how flawless Juliet and Kate's hair and skin always seem to be no matter how many days they've gone without showering, but it's worlds more than just the superficial aspects.

This show is the ultimate escape.  It stimulates all of your senses and challenges even the most simple minds to dig a little deeper and think a little harder. If you stop and consider the tragic premise on which the show is based, and how the majority of the world has an intense fear of flying, it's amazing how vast the audience is.  

I think it's because deep down, everyone wants to find their own "island."  Not necessarily in the sense that they want to be chased by smoke monsters or tortured in cages, but let's be honest, the chance to have a fresh start is pretty damn appealing.  Every character on that show was given a second chance at life, an opportunity to reinvent themselves, regardless of how successful they were at living it once the time came.  The internal struggles that we watched week after week are something we can all relate to, because everyone can find a piece of themselves in the angels and demons that reside on the shoulders of each character.

There is solace and comfort in the idea that we as individuals have a greater purpose in life.  We gravitate towards others who challenge us, who feed into and off of our deepest thoughts.  But then we turn and run from these people, who hold mirrors to our faces and force us to see reality.  In the end, we always end up looking back in wonder.  

We'll cling to those who hurt us, often with blurred vision and a forgetful heart, searching for an answer that may never come.  We avoid those who know us, because nothing is scarier than someone who can see right through you.  And yet we ache for those who look right through us, as though we aren't even there.

Huh.  I guess LOST does make me think about my life after all.   Now, I need to go lay down and let my overheated brain cool off for the night.  Until next week...

All Grown Up

From the first encounter with disappointment at a young age, we are taught that things happen for a reason. We are led to believe that if we are good people, we will be treated well by others. We think the people we fall in love with will love us in return, and that our hearts won't steer us wrong. We plan our lives from high school through college, from age 20 to age 40, from our first job through retirement, believing that we will live and abide by the blueprints we have laid.

And as we grow up... we realize we were wrong about everything.

If someone would have told me what life would be like at 27 I would have laughed at them, or maybe even slapped them.  Being the ultimate planner and control freak, I was convinced by age 16 that I knew exactly what I wanted, precisely where I was headed, and what direction my life would take. Now, I sit on a daily basis and try to wrap my head around reality. I replay details and memories in my head, trying to understand how I, being the "smart girl" that I am, could have been wrong in what felt like the right decisions.  I think about the choices I made, wondering if I've given enough to my career, debating the pros and cons of not following a traditional route, and feeling like I somehow missed the boat that everyone else jumped on years ago.  I consider myself old, and not because of how I look or act, but because MY ship sailed a course that bypassed youth and went straight to adulthood.

I feel alone, and grown ups aren't supposed to feel alone. They're supposed be strong and reliable, taking charge of situations and not wallowing in self-pity. Grown ups have bills to pay, mouths to feed, functions to attend, warm bodies to sleep with at night and responsibilities to uphold.  Some people are forced into this role way too early; others never quite make it there.  Is that really fair?  Why are some able to selfishly extend their youth, make a mess of things around them and leave the clean up for the unfortunate ones who stepped up to the plate way before their time? 

Why do I feel punished for being who I am, an alien amongst my peers, struggling to find a place to belong and a life that I'm comfortable with?  At some point the frustration of giving and giving to everyone and everything, just to receive so little in return, pools like black liquid in my heart, filling the gaping hole yet leaving me completely empty.

We live in a world plagued with "Peter Pan Syndrome."  The economy is a mess, monogamy is virtually dead, you can stay in school forever earning various degrees, thanks to the internet people can extend high school drama well into their mid-life crisis, and through all of this we put the blame of our misfortunes on everyone but ourselves.  Words are weapons, full of accountability, because somehow, somewhere, it was documented and publicly displayed on a website, blog, or social networking community.  In a sense, everyone has reverted back to a child-like existence, full of excuses and not willing to take responsibility for their actions.   Any chance to take the easy road is pounced on, no reason needed, because it will not be challenged.  It's accepted.

Well I will not accept it.  I will not apologize for being a grown up.  I am a fighter, and I shall not back away from real-life, even as it throws heart-wrenching, painful curve balls that crush my spirit and my soul.  I will not feel sorry for making decisions that do not please other people.  I refuse to take the easy road, for on the easy road there is nothing to learn.  There is no excitement, no spontaneity.  Without challenge, there is no true success.  Without suffering and adversity, there is no appreciation.  Without loss, there is no gain.

Most importantly, I will not settle.  Whatever my "grown-up" life is comprised of, it will be so full of passion and beauty that when I wake in the morning my chest will ache with joy.  And for everyone still hanging out on the playground, running from the Grim Reeper of Childhood, clinging to the Ghost of Youthful Past... you don't know what you're missing.

A jar of snow

Mother Nature struck once again last night, showering the city with fine crystals of snow that settled into powdery blankets.   I sat on a small side street in the Village, noticing how the tall street lamps highlighted the swirling patterns and clean sparkle of the falling snow, and wished for a moment that I could bottle that moment the way we collect sand from our favorite shores.

Snow is the most fickle of all the weather personalities.  As each flake falls we are filled with the excitement and anticipation of what is to come.  Standing covered, wet and cold, our body temperature rises, our cheeks flush, and our inner child comes out to play.  The snow then settles, nestling itself on sidewalks, trees, grass, buildings, and any place it finds a welcoming surface.  Bit by bit these flakes bond together, forming pristine layers.  Soon we are gazing out at a winter wonderland, a sight that brings peace to even the most active minds and heavy hearts.  We long for a moment to stop time... take this image and store it in a place where it can never melt.

But soon after the last flake has fallen, the peacefulness is broken.  Plows burst in spreading sand and salt, reclaiming their territory, disrupting the picturesque serenity.  Temperatures rise, footprints stomp through, snow turns to slush, and soon our Norman Rockwell painting has turned into a cold gray battleground.  Until one day, the snow is simply gone.  All that remains are small piles that have survived the beating sun, and serve as reminders of what was once there.

The city in the snow provides a false sense of security.  It calms our mind and eases our hearts, but it's always temporary.  Moments seem more intense due to the dramatic background, but we are not to be fooled... the snow may make everything beautiful, but what lies underneath remains the same.

This will most likely be the last big snowfall of the winter.  It's now March, and we sit eager with anticipation for the first buds on the trees to blossom, hear the birds begin to chirp again, see the butterflies emerge from their cocoons, and shed our bulky coats, hats, and gloves for t-shirts, flips flops, and sun-kissed skin.  

But on my memory mantle will always sit that jar of snowfall.  Those moments that I bottled up for eternity.  The images of winter that brought hope to my heart and warmth to my soul.  

Enjoy the snow day...

Lightening things up a bit...

So my last few entries have been pretty intense, and in fear that I may have scared off some of my readers or sent them plunging into an early suicide, I decided to write something to lighten the mood.  I was informed that MY version of the ever-so-popular Top 25 list was not full of enough humor to captivate my more optimistic audience, and I would like to state once and for all that I am in fact, a funny person.

Here is a revised, light, humorous and honest version of the things you should know about me.  I'm not all Sarah McLachlan...

1.  My favorite song to belt out when no one is listening is "The Star-Spangled Banner."  I don't know why.  But it has been the song of choice for hundreds of shower serenades.  The acoustics in the bathroom are the best.

2.  I have the world's smallest bladder.  I pee every hour, on the hour, and can rarely make it through a car ride without stopping.  I am pretty sure I will need  Detrol LA by the time I'm 30.

3.  I cannot walk in a straight line.  Seriously.  Try walking with me sometime.  I will knock you over without a second glance.

4.  My favorite animal is a dolphin.  I have a mild obsession with their friendly faces and I admire them for being the only animals that mate for pleasure.  When I was younger I wanted to be a dolphin trainer.  I still might go for it.

5.  Around the age of 5 my favorite book was Strega Nonna.  There is a video of me reading it out loud to the video camera as my brother ran in circles around the table behind me.  As my mom tried to capture his antics, I kept moving front of the camera, determined not to be upstaged by him.  I guess there is a little diva in me after all.

6.  I think one of the most important qualities a person can have is the ability to laugh at themselves. 

7.  I was born on Thanksgiving Day, 1981.  After putting my mother through over ten hours of labor, I popped out at a scale-topping 9lbs, 7 oz.  That's a big ass baby.  However, I lost a pound my first few days in the hospital.  I like to think it was the Weight Watchers milk they fed me.  Baby's first diet.  

8.  I am slightly obsessed with matching.  Clothes, underwear, accessories, etc.  Even my pajamas match.  If you walk in and see me in clashing clothes, something is seriously wrong.

9.  If I could live on the Island in Lost, I would.  Yes, the smoke monster scares me, and all the dead people that pop up are creepy, but seriously... that island has enough to stimulate my mind for eternity.

10.  I like my sense of humor dry, with a twist, and three olives.

11.  I pull out my eyebrows when I'm stressed.  I'm lucky I still have any at this rate.

12.  Foods with faces scare me.  I'm not a strict vegetarian, but I cannot eat anything in it's full form.  I don't understand how people can eat something when the eyes are still staring at you, or the legs are dangling lifelessly. It's cruel.

13.  At any given moment, I am thinking of at least three things, if not more.  My brain is so overactive I'm surprised smoke hasn't spewed from my ears and sparks haven't shot out of my eyes.  Just last week I locked myself out of my own bedroom and had to take the doorknob off to get back in, simply because I wasn't paying attention.  It's my flakiest quality.

14.  My favorite flower is the calla lily.  I think they are beautiful, and just seeing them makes me happy.

15.  I am a secret cuddler.  I like to pretend that I am tough and independent, but if you hit my emotional weak spot, I curl up like a baby.  

16.  I am a TALKER.  I am that girl that continues the conversation for about 5 minutes after you've been disconnected, because I've been talking so much I don't realize there is no one on the other line.  I talk to myself all the time when I'm alone.  Maybe that's why I became a writer... it's like talking but with no one to interrupt you.

17.  I love vintage clothes.  My grandmother gave me three vintage dresses this past year that I wore for various occasions, and I have never felt more glamorous.  My dad calls them "old dresses," I call them time machines.  It's hot to get dressed up in another era and feel like someone besides yourself.  I highly recommend it.

18.  I love the feeling of being naked in the water.  It's incredibly liberating.

19.  I have the most vivid dreams you could possibly imagine.  To the point where I think I might be psychic sometimes.  My sixth sense is freakishly strong.

20.  I am obsessed with Google.  I google everything.  If anyone ever got hold of my browser history, I would have to change my identity and flee the country.  I fool people into thinking I am much smarter than I really am by googling things.... sshh, don't tell.

21.  I want desperately to learn how to play the drums.  There is a seriously suppressed rocker chick lingering inside me.  

22. I will answer to the names Christina, Chris, Morelli, Steen, Beena, Been, Crazy, etc... but I will not answer to Chrissy.  I am not a Chrissy.  Oh and it drives me MAD when people call me Christine.  Particularly when I say "Hi, I'm Christina" and they say "Hi Christine."  Are you deaf?  Did you miss that last syllable?

23.  I love flip flops.  I will wear them any season, rain, sleet, or snow.  They are like orgasms for my feet.  I also love dresses.  I have a ridiculous amount.  I would wear a dress every day if I could.  It is my one really girlie indulgence.

24.  I know that I have the best family and friends in the world, because any other group of people would have committed me to an insane asylum a long time ago... but they take my craziness in strides.

25.  I believe in being different.  I believe in second chances, following dreams, setting goals, not settling, challenging yourself, going out of your comfort zone, finding love, losing love, not going to bed angry, knowing when to apologize and when to stand your ground, being scared, being confident, and most importantly, being YOU.  

I hope you all have made a list of the things that make you unique.  Do it.  Go back and read it when you're having a rough day.  I'll leave you with this quote by Elie Weisel....

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.

The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.

And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."

May you never experience indifference.

  

Crossroads

I am standing in the middle of the woods alone.  Surrounding me are various pathways... some dark and brooding, with long, dried branches that reach to me like fragile fingers... some sunny, bright, and clear, with bursts of light rays streaming on my face.  Others are simple, just a dirt road, some plush trees, and a few hints of flowers to decorate the otherwise monotonous path.  This place where I stand, is a crossroad.  Behind me lies the road I have taken up until this point.  Shouts of frustration, anger, and sadness are still ringing in my ears and echoing in the forest, but I try desperately to block them out so I can move on.  I can feel my faith dwindling, and I have a strong feeling of resentment towards those who have ripped it from me along the way.  My coat that I wear is laced with guilt and failure, and while I know I have to leave it behind I am fearful of taking it off.  I have become comfortable in it's worn and familiar smell, it's soft and ragged touch, and the warmth and shelter it has provided me with when I did not want to see the world as it was.

Underneath this coat I wear nothing.  When I choose my path, I must shed my coat and enter freely.  There can be no protection, no hiding, no excuses, and no exceptions.  I have to trust that when I encounter new people, they will love me for who I am.  I have to believe that I can be successful in new ventures without others teaching me everything there is to know.  I have to understand that there will still be those who turn away from my naked and vulnerable presence, and this does not speak as a testament to who I am.

Most importantly, I have to feel with every ounce of my soul that I have made the right decision.  I must shout down the path of frustrated, angry, and sad voices that I thank them for what they have brought to my life, but the time has come for us all to part ways.  I need to be willing to let go of who I was to become who I was meant to be.

I am standing in the middle of the woods by myself... and I am terrified.  I can feel the lump in my throat and the tears forming behind my eyes.  I am still so close to the previous path that I can see the faces and expressions of those I am walking away from.  I can feel their bodies wrapping me in tight embraces and I can see their smiles filling me with hope.  I look past these faces to those who left me before I could ever leave them.  They stare at me blankly, as if to say "What are you waiting for?"

I turn to those who have already passed me on this path, their footprints still fresh in the muddy trails.  I shout after them to wait for me, but it's too late, they have already gone.  I must make this journey on my own.

I waiver for a minute because I don't know if I am ready.

So I take a deep breath and close my eyes.  I turn one last time to the path I have been led down, and I can only say "Thank you."  I cannot bring myself to say goodbye.  I can only hope that one day, my honesty will be understood.  I can only pray that one day, my faith will be restored.

I do not turn around again, because I am afraid if I do, I will change my mind.  I slowly remove my coat, leaving it lying in a lifeless pool around my bare feet, and shaking slightly, I take my first step.  

And for the time being, that's where the story ends.

All You Need is Love

Sometimes life makes it hard to still believe in love. Every day there are temptations thrown in our faces, rules changed, promises broken, and dreams shattered. We meet new people, form relationships, take chances, and often walk away feeling defeated and alone.

But every now and then a person comes along that offers a glimmer of hope. A small ray of light in a dark and confusing world, where we are not only struggling to find out who others are, but also who we are ourselves. When that person comes into your life you want to celebrate. You want them to know how happy you are, and how happy they make you. And you should share that... EVERY DAY.

Valentine's Day has become a bit of a controversial holiday, full of stereotypes and expectations. If you say you don't like this holiday, you are bitter. If you say you love it, you're a conformist. Where do I fall on the spectrum? I'm a cynical hopeless romantic. As my brother would say, "That's a wicked combination."

I don't believe you need a designated holiday to celebrate how much you love and care about someone. First of all, the holiday colors- red and pink- clash horrendously. Second of all, those little conversation hearts... they taste like chalk. No romance in that. Third of all, there is no reason to save a date, evening activity, special event, or dinner for this particular night, when you can realistically do these things at any given time. If on June 2 I was surprised with a romantic and spontaneous evening, well, THAT would be MY Valentine's Day. No Hallmark card needed.

And who's to say that the love celebrated needs to be a romantic love? Love comes in all forms, shapes and sizes. It melts, it grows, it develops in unexpected places, it fades and is then revived. The symbols of love should not consist of flowers, candy, and jewelry... they should be the things that take form as you learn to love. The pictures taken and letters written. The small "I saw this and thought of you" tokens. The rooms filled with laughter and tears. The phone calls and text messages just because. Personally, I don't save these things for a boyfriend or husband... they should be shared with everyone you love. The imprints left on your heart don't simply come from cliche dates and good sex... they come from the spot in your brain that tells you, wow, I really love and need this person in my life.

So yes, if you love someone, show it. But don't save it for Valentine's Day, or any other holiday for that matter. Make it an every day thing. Because in the world we live in, and the hard times that everyone in this country is feeling, the one free thing we can give is love.

And that's something that everyone needs.