A little about ME

When I first started this blog I was in a really intense place. There were a lot of changes happening in my life, and lot of decisions to be made, and a heaping pile of confusion that surrounded every waking minute of my day. I loved the idea of "Unspoken Heart" because I knew that I wasn't the only one struggling with so many questions, regrets, heartache, and frustrations, and I wanted there to be an outlet for people to share. A safe community of like souls.

Four months later I am writing to you from what I hope is a different place. From eyes that see the world in bright, vibrant color instead of dismal gray. From lips that speak honestly about what they want, and what they deserve. From ears that hear not just songs of disparity, but also songs of hope. From a heart that beats a little softer from the hurt, but a lot stronger from the pain.

In reading the letters other people wrote I came to realize that I was not alone. That none of us are. There will always be someone out there who can relate to what you are saying, how you are feeling, and what you are thinking. I've grown proud to say that yes, I want love and peace, but I will fight you to the death when I believe passionately in something or someone. I've learned that it's OK to not believe in the word NEVER. Because I don't. I believe in those little voices in my head, that may often misguide me, but not without reason.

I'd like to open up the forum again for people to continue sending letters. They can be to a friend, family member, lover, enemy... anything you need or want to get off your chest. If you are still hesistant, because you don't know me, don't trust me, or are uncomfortable sharing your feelings with a complete stranger, here are a few things about me to familiarize yourself with...

1. I am a trained dancer since the age of two, yet I fall almost every day.

2. I hate all horror movies, but I am particularly terrified of the movie Jurassic Park.

3. My favorite place to be, any season, any time of the day, is the beach.

4. I love my family, both real and extended, more than anything. They have supported me through everything and have tried their best to understand the way I see the world. However, sometimes I feel like I am the "black sheep."

5. I am deathly afraid that my grandparents will pass away before I get married.

6. My favorite color is blue, my eyes stand out when I wear green, I feel powerful in red, and I'm happiest in yellow.

7. When I meet people, their families usually love me. Their friends love me. Their pets love me. But the one person who means the most to me... that's who I struggle with. Sometimes, I fear that I may be a difficult person to love.

8. I have spent my whole life being insecure about my weight and appearance, despite a web of family and friends who always tried to make me feel beautiful. I was convinced that if I was skinnier and prettier my whole life would be different. I'm currently the thinnest I've been since high school and I've never felt more alone or invisible.

9. I am comforted when I have a cup of coffee in my hands.

10. I love red wine and I'm bothered when people drink white zinfandel.

11. Dance is my passion, I can't imagine my life without it. However, I constantly question if I'm truly talented at what I do, or if I've just always been a "big fish in a small pond."

12. I think the two hardest things about being single are 1. Not knowing who to trust, and 2. Having so much love to give, so much beauty to share and no one on the receiving end.

13. I have a major fear of abandonment and rejection. The fear didn't manifest itself out of thin air. Thank you Cupid, for your misguided arrow.

14. I am incredibly bothered by "posers." You know, those people that conform to be what another person wants them to be. The ones that pretend to like and be interested in things just to attract someone, but actually have little in common with them. I don't play games and I can't stand the people who do.

15. I cry A LOT. Definitely more than the average person. My favorite place to cry is the bathroom. My second place to cry is my car. Sometimes when I laugh really hard, I end up crying too. I believe crying is good for you. I cry at every curtain call of a live performance and every "Surprise" at a surprise party. I do not discriminate when it comes to tears.

16. I am an aggressive driver. Some may translate that to mean "bad driver." I just don't know how to do anything slow.

17. The people I met in my mid-20s are some of the most fun, interesting and stimulating people in my life. I LOVE meeting new people. But there is not a day that goes by when I don't think about the friendships and relationships I've lost touch with over the past ten years. Time passes, life gets in the way, but I miss them all the same.

18. I never understood how much it could hurt to see someone you loved loving someone else until it happened to me. That pain still sits in me every day. I have a really hard time getting over things I can't understand.

19. I have a toe thumb. Just one.

20. I absolutely love old buildings, churches, and different architecture and landscapes. It visually stimulates me to no end. I could wander cities and towns every day of my life and find something unusual and fascinating about them. My goal is to see all 50 states and visit each continent at least once. When I find that money tree in my backyard, I'll be on my way.

21. I am called "Morelli" more than I am called "Christina."

22. My brother is my best friend. I don't need a sister. That's what I have cousins and girlfriends for.

23. The past two years of my life have felt like a complete "Catch 22." I'm still waiting for that to change. I get frustrated when I put all of my heart and soul into something, and don't see the return. I am also incredibly bad at making decisions... it's quite torturous for me. So every time I've had to make one I question if it was right.

24. My dream is to one day dance and/or choreograph professionally. I also plan to write a book. And start another company. And take over the world. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. They will ALL be successful.

25. The arts are my life. Dance, music, painting, photography... I feel at home with people who share this passion. Music is therapy to me. Particularly when it's live. I could sit in a small venue with a great artist or band for hours, think about it for a few more hours, and then talk about it for a few more hours. Oh, and maybe do a little crying in between. ;)

A Different Kind of Letter

About 25 hours ago I was feeling great.  A little tired and stressed from work, but on a scale of 1-10 I would say my emotional well-being was at 8.5.  An hour later I overreacted to something, something I had swore to myself I would NOT let get to me anymore, and my number dropped to about a two.  I spent the following hour backpedaling, trying to fix what I had said, and feeling miserable despite my feeble efforts.  The funny thing is, I was less upset about the situation that instigated the overreaction, and more upset with how I handled it.  I broke a promise I made to myself, and the only face I had to point my finger at was my own.  

The past 23 hours I have spent with a knot in my stomach.  A position I have found myself in over and over again, because in truth, I am my own worst enemy.  I guess you could say I'm a bit impulsive at times, and no matter how I try I have not learned the art of counting to 10 before reacting.  (I also haven't learned the art of putting together a coherent sentence when I'm upset).  The problem is that each of these mistakes, every misstep, wrong word, poor communication, and bad judgement call, lingers on my mind far longer than it should.  I start thinking, analyzing, replaying everything I did or said until I've driven myself crazy.  So I decided to write a different kind of letter tonight.  It's easy for me to write letters to others, telling them how I feel, what I'm thinking, how wonderful, amazing, and beautiful I think they are... but I have a hard time instilling these feelings in myself.  So here goes...

Dear Christina,

You've spent a good part of your life apologizing for who you are.  Don't.  The people who truly love you know that you're a little bit crazy, and they love you anyway.  And the people who don't like you, well, to hell with them.  They don't know what they're missing.

How much time have you spent forgiving people who don't always deserve forgiveness, trying to make others happy, believing in the good in people, looking past what others see and looking for what others can't see? It's time to stop being a hypocrite, and practice a little of what you preach. 

It's OK to get angry and not feel guilty afterwards.  You don't need to apologize every time you fly off the handle... just know when it's justified and try to control it when it's not.

It's OK to be wrong.  And it's OK to make mistakes.  For some reason you haven't been able to learn that one yet.  Stop beating yourself up every time you don't act and react perfectly- perfection is boring.  And those bruises don't heal easily.

No one will ever be as hard on you as you are on yourself.  I guess you designed it that way.  You can deal with your own pain, but it hurts you to see other people in pain, and you'll do anything to prevent it or stop it.  

You need to learn to forgive YOURSELF.  Everyone makes mistakes, and YOU are no exception.  You cannot control other people, nor can you change them... As your mother always says, "You can only change how you respond to them."  

So let it go.  Whatever IT happens to be at the moment.  Smile, write, sleep, listen to music, watch LOST... do what you need to keep your mind busy until that feeling passes.  Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance to start fresh.  Leave the past behind you, where it belongs.  Hold onto the memories that make you smile and lock up the ones that make you cry- they are there to serve as gentle reminders, not to hinder you from moving forward. 

You can't always have all the answers.  Half the fun of life is figuring it out... and you will... eventually.

Love,

Christina

Stability

Last year I taught a few psychology classes at a high school close to where I work. During one of the lessons I was teaching on personality development, I asked my students to think about one word that described what they wanted most out of life at this stage in the game. Most of the responses included success, happiness, love, acceptance, money, etc. They then turned the question back to me, and asked for my response. I said, "Stability."

Many of them looked surprised and one girl raised her hand, "But you seem to have it all together Miss Morelli, how could you be lacking in stability?" I smiled and said, "What you see on the outside isn't always what lies beneath. Yes, I have a career, a home, family, friends- the 'whole package' as some would say. But I still lie awake at night, plagued by choices I have to make. I question what my next move will be, and where it will take me to next. I think about the roads I have already chosen, and wonder if they were the right ones. Nothing in life is permanent, and as you grow, evolve, meet new people, and live in different places, your needs will change as well. So what you want out of life at 17 or 18 is going to change drastically after college when you hit the real world. It will change again in your mid-late 20s, and even further into your 30s. Your needs will constantly evolve... just as YOU will constantly evolve."

Almost a year has passed since I taught that lesson. And if they were to ask me that same question today, my response would still be "Stability." I don't know when it will come, or how I will get to that place. But I think about that class often... and how I rediscovered so much of myself in teaching those girls how and why we think, feel, and act the way we do.

Stability- defined as continuance without change; permanence. Maybe I'm just not ready to be stable... maybe my journey is meant to be a little bumpy, a little rocky, and full of twists and turns.

Perfect Strangers

The ringing in of a new year typically brings the same reaction in people.  Make a resolution, vow to change your life, promise to start anew, so on and so forth.  In theory, it makes sense.  Who doesn't want to wipe the slate clean and get a fresh start?  But what about everything you left behind in the previous year?  Do those people, places and things come with you?  Do they figure into your new plan?  How do you choose who to bring  along for the next leg of the ride and who to leave at the rest stop of 2008?

I was listening to this beautiful song right before I started I writing tonight called "Duet" by Rachel Yamagata.  The song is, quite literally, a duet between her and Ray LaMontagne, and is quickly becoming a favorite based on the fantastic harmonies and timeless message... no matter how far we drift apart there is always a chance to come back "home."  It made me think of how so many of the relationships in my life have evolved and changed in the past few years... some for the better, and some, well, not so much.  At what point do you let it go, and how do you know if it's worth it to find your way back again?

I felt sad for a moment, wondering what happened with those people I used to know so well.  How two people, who had once been so close, now simply share polite exchange and somewhat forced banter.  I thought about the different eyes I have looked into and at one time saw love, hope, laughter, familiarity... those eyes now appear angry, empty, scared, and/or indifferent.  The relationships I'm thinking of aren't only romantic ones... some are family and friends as well.  They are people who I can't seem to reach no matter how hard I try, people who I've grown apart from and don't know how it happened.  These people are the Jenga blocks of my life... one wrong word, wrong action, wrong decision- and the relationship comes crashing down.  They are the ones that once knew me better than most, and now are virtually perfect strangers.

How DO we find our way back in these situations?  Back to the place we knew, we loved, we were happy in?  The feeling I have when I think of them is similar to how I feel when I pass the house I grew up in.  I can still see, feel, hear, and smell every memory that happened there.  I see the wood panel floors where my brother split his chin on my eleventh birthday.  I see the tall weed growing seemingly out of the deck, the concrete basketball court,  and the gazebo that hosted many late night storytelling with family friends.  I remember my room, my little closet that I would sometimes sit in when I didn't want to deal with anyone.  I can remember the smell of Sunday morning breakfasts and New Years Eve pizzas and sausages.  But now someone else lives there... there's new visitors, new furniture, new landscape.  Is it still the same?

I'm looking forward to this year.  I'm excited about this phase in my life, and I am so grateful for those who have been there with me every step of the way.  But there's still a part of me that hopes the holes that sit in my memory, in my heart, can be filled this year.  That now, as adults, we can all learn to accept our differences, embrace our quirks, and support the different paths that we've taken.  To take the positive from the past and leave behind the negative.  To not take certain relationships for granted and to forgive those who have made us feel taken for granted. So while yes, in 2009 it would be nice to lose weight, get in shape, clean my closet, get my taxes filed on time, be successful, cure cancer, and change the world...  

My resolution is to figure out what home is.  Who home is.  And then to find my way there.

I'll be back as soon as I make history.