The Caterpillar

The stunning blue sky and cool, spring temperature inspired me to take my workout outside this morning.  As I briskly moved across the pavement of my old neighborhood I thought to myself how the right amount of anger, mixed with disgust and frustration, paired with a playlist that consists Daughtry's "Over You" can really get the blood pumping.  

Memories of the past year flooded through my head, as I still sit in slight disbelief of where life has taken me.  Just a few short weeks since my business has closed, I'm still in the process of moving my entire life out of Philadelphia and trying to figure out what my next steps should be.  It's overwhelming really... while people often glamorize starting a "new chapter," having so much freedom can be downright scary.

I have felt quite defeated lately.  I know the future holds endless possibilities and all the opportunities I've been waiting to experience, but quite frankly I am totally lost and incredibly lonely.  There seems to be a cloud of irony that looms over every decision I've made, and I find myself simply wanting to withdraw from situations that I normally would tackle head-on out of pure exhaustion.  It's as though I've been fighting a war for years, convinced if I stuck it out long enough I could claim victory... and I recently discovered there is no way I can win.  So now I surrender.

Five years ago I moved my entire life out of NJ to begin anew in Philadelphia.  I set up a business, invested in property, worked multiple jobs, and decorated a home fit for a "grown-up."  Now I spend most night's sleeping at my parents house, boxes and bags covering the floor of the basement, items still lingering at my old house waiting to be moved, equipment from the studio sitting on craigslist hoping to be sold.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere at the moment.

So I'm plugging along on my walk this morning, all of these thoughts flowing through my head.  I'm about a 1/4 mile from returning home, when out of nowhere a tiny caterpillar blew off a leaf and landed on my hand.  I let him crawl for a bit and then safely placed him back in the tree, tears beginning to well in my eyes.  You see, that caterpillar is a symbol of hope for me.  A few months back, an old friend recommended the book "Hope For the Flowers"- a tale about the journey two caterpillars took to become butterflies.  Since reading that story, I've felt a strong parallel to where I was in my life... knowing that after years of struggling to make life happen as a caterpillar it was time to wrap myself in a cocoon and prepare to be a butterfly.  

I haven't been able to write for almost a month, because every entry I attempted was filled with such anger and negativity that I feared I would discourage my readers.  But I leave you all with this...

The best learning experiences in life are the ones that tear you apart.  They challenge you, they test you, they make you question every fiber of your being and every thought in your head.  These experiences break you, scatter your pieces, and then slowly put you back together again.  There will be those in this world who will always try to bring you down.  There will be jobs that you don't enjoy and career decisions that you will be forced to make, whether you want to or not.  There will be people who will not appreciate you, people who will break your heart, and people who will take the joy out of things you once loved.  As time goes on and life twists and turns, those who were once so close to you may one day become complete strangers.  And while sometimes it's important to give up on things, whether it's a person, a job, or a project, it's equally important to NEVER give up on yourself.  Because we all begin as caterpillars- it's those who possess an underrated strength to hide away for a bit, walk away from the familiar and comfortable, and escape from the only life known... those are the caterpillars who become the most beautiful butterflies.  They allowed themselves to change.

To anyone who is struggling, doubting, hating, fearing, worrying, or stressing as I have been this past month... I hope you find your caterpillar too.