Goodbye 2008

Three months ago I came up with the concept for The Unspoken Heart.  I couldn't tell you exactly when or how it happened, or what specifically inspired me to start writing.  I don't know where this journey is going to lead me, or if it will turn out the way I had originally planned.

What I can tell you is that those who have sent in their letters and stories have touched my heart so deeply that I know this is something I need to keep pursuing.  There are so many people out there who live and function every day with these thoughts and words streaming through their mind and soul.  They push them away, they forget about them, and they move on, but that doesn't take away from the fact that this person once existed very prominently in their life, and will never be forgotten.

A few months ago I published my first round of excerpts, and one entry seemed to catch the eye of all of my readers.  This story was sent to me by a young man in response to my very first blog entry, and was so powerful to read I would like to share the whole piece.  He and his girlfriend broke up about two years ago, because she "felt a sense of disconnect."  According to him, the disconnect was because he was involved with another woman... something his ex-girlfriend never knew.  Here is his full response:

"What I took away from this experience is that sometimes good people make mistakes.  I took away the fact that a person can have something so good and yet act like a wild person without any sense whatsoever.  I took away the fact that a person can chase a dream for seemingly forever, only to forget what they've got once they finally have it.  I took away the fact that, after all is done, you can sometimes smell a person's scent long after they've gone.  I took away the fact that momentary sins of the flesh can lead to a lifetime of what ifs, but fors, and please Gods.  I took away the fact that fingertips have memories and they remember the curves of another person's body long after your mind has forgotten them.  I took away the fact that when someone says the eyes are the doorways to a person's soul that they must not have met me.  I took away the fact that, when all is said and done, I really wonder if it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  I took away the fact that, when all is said and done, I'm so lucky to have met her.  I wrote a letter to her that will never be sent.  It will never be sent because, I feel, it cannot be.  I have to write the letter because, even after two years apart, the situation just kept digging through the middle of me."

There are only three days left of 2008.  Make them count.  Write your letter.  Make a phone call.  It's never too late when it comes to matters of the heart.  Tuck 2008 neatly into bed, close its eyes, and let it sleep forever.  2009 is a whole new ball game.

Happy New Year everyone.  Thank you for reading, responding, and supporting.  When that clock strikes midnight on Wednesday evening, may you be filled with a feeling of happiness and hope that carries you throughout the year.

See you on the other side ;)

Winter

The cold is so intense it tightens in your chest and wraps itself around your breath.  The trees, once ornately decorated with bursts of crimson, rust, and gold, now stand bare and exposed.  Their branches reach longingly to the sky and the earth, stripped to reveal the roots and foundation that lie beneath the formerly beautiful foliage.  Frost sparkles in the first rays of the morning sun, and the silence is only broken by a brief, shuddering gust of wind.

Winter.  It has character.  It has truth.  It is a time for both celebration and reflection.  It is the perfect contradiction of happiness and loneliness.  It is the perfect balance of inner peace and inner conflict.

The first big snowfall of the season coated NYC this past weekend.  It started out as soft, fluttering flakes and gathered steam into gushing bursts of snow and wind, before settling into a steady, frozen rain.  People buzzed around shopping, sightseeing, and playing with newfound energy, despite the chilly, slippery conditions.  The twinkling Christmas lights glowed beneath the fallen snow and city streets truly turned into a winter wonderland.  It was beautiful.

There's something about the winter season that I love.  Yes, the days are shorter and the temperatures are frigid.  But take a close look next time you are wandering around outside.  Observe how many people are holding hands and wrapped tightly to each other, keeping the warmth between their bodies.  It's hard to fake love in the winter.  Think about the way people are brought together... and not just for the holidays but in everyday life.  Some of my favorite memories consist of winter nights filled with games, hot chocolate, movies, long talks over flowing drinks, and quiet moments curled on the couch.

I've lost sight recently over many things because I chose to dwell on the unforeseen, the unknown, and unexpected.  But I believe in fate.  And I believe in destiny.  And while I'm not the most patient person in the world (those who know me know that is a serious understatement) I'm willing to release the reins for a bit.  Maybe sit in the sled and get pulled around instead of throwing out my back trying to take control.

Winter.  That first snowfall.  It's Mother Nature's way of slowing us down and giving us perspective.

Have a wonderful holiday... stay warm and stay safe.  

Let your heart be light...

I haven't been in much of the holiday spirit this year.  There are no stockings hung by my chimney with care, and the things dancing through my head at night are certainly not sugarplums.  I did not put up my tree and I have yet to make a dent in my Christmas shopping list.  My Kitchen Aid mixer sits dusty and cold, empty Tupperware surrounding it, waiting to be filled with my usual array of Christmas cookies.

I can't explain the exact reason why.  The feeling just hasn't been there.  I see it radiating out of people around me, and I feel a slight sense of envy for their light hearts and cheerful spirit.  I want to bottle it up and put it on my kitchen table, each day taking small doses until the joy and laughter fills the empty void inside.  

Last night I received my first small dose.  I was in New York City attending a special holiday showcase at the NY Songwriters Circle.  This particular event included students from a NY public school performing onstage along with other notable singer/songwriters in the city.  I was truly inspired by some of the talent.  Caleb Hawley rocked his innovative and creative lyrics with a voice so powerful you could hear the awe in the room.  Jenny Bruce, along with her father and sister, performed a hauntingly beautiful Christmas song with exquisite harmonies.  A young student, perhaps around the age of twelve, played two original, self-written songs on the piano that would have you convinced her first crib was a Baby Grand.  I left the club convinced that my children will absolutely be raised in the culture, art, and music of NYC... it breeds raw and unexplored talent like no other city in the world.

The song to close the evening was one of my all-time favorite Christmas songs, "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas."  The first notes on the piano hit and I felt the familiar rush of memories that surrounds me this time of year.  I love the hope that this song brings in balancing it's slightly melancholy lyrics.  Interestingly, the original version of the song, written for "Meet Me In St. Louis" (the movie that brought together Judy Garland and Vincente Minnelli) had much darker lyrics by Hugh Martin.  The lyrics have actually been altered from the original version to the one that Judy Garland performed because it was believed that they were not "happy" enough for a Christmas song.  It was then changed again slightly when Frank Sinatra recorded it.  I read an article that quoted Liza Minnelli (Judy Garland and Vincente Minnelli's daughter) talking about the song and argument over lyrics as follows:

"My feeling is that Christmastime is about your past, and there comes a time when it does become sentimental, just because you start remembering, and people will always miss somebody at Christmas. But to indulge in that and just say 'Everything was better then'- forget it!  You've always gotta have hope."

I love the melody of this song.  I love the way it soothes, comforts, and gently rocks you.  I love how you find yourself softly singing for hours after hearing it... "Someday soon we all will be together, if the fates allow..."

Maybe I'll do a little baking this week... 

Unreconciled.

As a choreographer, the hardest part is not teaching the steps but teaching the meaning of the movement.  Young dancers often struggle to grasp the message that a song or piece of music is trying to convey, and emotions are not something that can be taught.  Over the years I have found that asking the students to assign a "word" to a piece of choreography can help them to understand the character, facial expressions, and body language they should be communicating.

I like to do this in life sometime as well.  A single word can often be much more powerful and effective than a long string of meaningless or redundant words.  People will ask me how I feel about a situation and I answer with a single utterance:  Frustrated.  Ecstatic.  Depressed.  Longing.  Sassy.  Angry.  Overjoyed.  Overwhelmed.  Empty.  Peaceful.  Numb.

I was listening to my Pandora radio a couple of months ago and it led me to a song by Peter Bradley Adams called "Unreconciled."  When I took a closer look at the lyrics, I found that they fit well with the concept of "Unspoken Heart," and the theme of many of the letters I have received.  The song also inspired me to dig deeper into the question, "What is your word?"

I wanted to share these lyrics with you... hopefully they will find you wanting to share the relationship in your life that left you "Unreconciled."  If not... well download it anyway.  It's a great song.

In the meantime, think about what your "word" is.  You share yours and I'll share mine....

"Unreconciled"

By: Peter Bradley Adams

Is it hard to live in silence

When I look you in the eyes

Well you crave forgiveness

But still don't apologize

Is it love that you're afraid of

In the words that you ignore

Well we made a promise

But we can't stay here anymore

'Cause you gave everything that you could give

And this is the only life that I can live

And I am grateful

But I've grown weary of this fight

So no regrets, it's better left unreconciled

I can see the way you tremble

You don't mean to make a mess

I don't want to get angry

'Cause I'll regret the things we said

And there's a sound from down inside me

That I've never heard before

And it says surrender, there's no work here anymore

'Cause you gave everything

That you could give

And this is the only life that I can live

And I am grateful

But I've grown weary of this fight

So no regrets, its better left unreconciled.

My Grown Up Christmas List

A different kind of letter....

Dear Santa,

With the chaos of the world, the downfall of the economy, and the everyday struggles that people go through, I'd be selfish to ask for any more than the following...

PATIENCE.  In life, in work, in love, and in friendship.  To be able to take a deep breath, relax, and just enjoy the ride.  

SERENITY.  The ability to let things go and stop carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. To relinquish control... and feel okay about it.

CONFIDENCE.  To believe in myself and my gut instinct.  To not let the opinions of others determine my self-worth.

FORGIVENESS.  To forgive myself for the mistakes I've made... to accept these things as learning experiences and not as failures. 

TRUST.  To repair trust that has been broken in the past, and rebuild it for the future.

HAPPINESS.  For the anger to slowly melt away and positive energy to radiate all around.

PEACE.  Please quiet my mind and my heart.  Help me to sleep softly, think freely, and love fully.

I know the answer to this is to look deep within yourself and you will find it.  I know that I am in control of my destiny, and I can make all of these things happen.  But no matter how old we may be, we all need to have a little faith in something...

Love,

Christina

The Soundtrack of My Life

When I was three or four years old I used to "work out" with my dad in the basement of our house in Brooklyn.  I don't remember actually exercising, but I can tell you the song that was playing was always The Pointer Sisters, "I'm So Excited."  Fast forward to my seventh birthday party, when the only song I wanted to hear was "I Want To Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston.  As I grew up, the music I listened to came to define my life and some of my greatest memories.  To this day, when I hear a certain song or artist I am instantly transported to the moment those lyrics hit me.  I like to think of it as the soundtrack of my life.  

Debbie Gibson, "Lost In Your Eyes"-  I'm bike riding up and down my neighborhood block, Walkman in my little fanny pack, wearing my "Debbie Gibson" hat.  Boys II Men, "On Bended Knee"- I'm on a bus in sixth grade, singing my heart out because at the time I hadn't yet realized I was borderline tone deaf.  The Tony Rich Project "Nobody Knows"- I'm crying over boys with my best friend during one of our countless middle and high school sleep-overs.

K.C. & Jo Jo, "All My Life" (Stop laughing)- My first glimpse of young love.  Sarah McLachlan, the entire "Mirrorball" CD- My first glimpse of young heartbreak.

Aerosmith, "Crazy"- Lawn seats, PNC when it was still the Garden State Arts Center, senior year of high school.  My first "I'm so cool I'm here with my friends" concert.

As I grew up, my taste in music matured and I became not only wrapped up in what was pleasing to my ears, but also the words and emotions that came along with it.  As a dancer, you communicate with your body.  Each movement, gesture, look, and breath gives meaning to the exquisite picture that the music has painted.   When I began choreographing pieces and not just performing, I tore into the guts of the song, interpreting and analyzing every word and beat.  I think back to more recent memories, and the songs I hear not only bear an image of a person or place, but also a feeling.  

I hear the soothing voice of Amos Lee singing "Southern Girl" and I'm down at the beach on an unusually warm fall day, quiet all around, an air of happiness in the car and a peaceful feeling in my heart.

The first chords of Jason Mraz's "You and I Both" play on my iPod and the same tears that welled in my eyes during that final encore at World Cafe Live still linger at the tips of my lashes.

Bryan Adams' "Summer of 69" blares loud on the stereo and I can't help but smile, laugh, and sing at the top of my lungs, college memories running rampant.  Dixie Chicks plays and I think of my best friend, and how she has turned my tears into laughter more times that I can count.

Train, "I'm About To Come Alive."  I can literally feel the music in my soul.

As support, inspiration, and feedback for this blog has continued to filter in, my ideas have expanded into so many different realms.  I've come to realize that while people may enjoy reading these entries, not everyone feels comfortable expressing themselves in their own writing.  So I invite you to submit your words in whatever way choose.  Whatever way you find easiest to express yourself, may it be poetry, song, art work, or photography.  

You never know who's life you may be inspiring, what memories you may be creating, and how you may actually be speaking the unspoken words in someone else's heart.

More excerpts...

I wanted to share a few more letter excerpts.  I think everyone can find a little piece of themselves in the words of others...  

"I remember the way I lost myself in loving you and you did nothing but gain through it all.  I remember how I was so afraid to walk away and that when I did it couldn't have felt better.  I remember being scared that I would never be OK.  I remember sleepless night and puffy eyes.  And all of those memories drive me to hate you.  I hate recognizing that I wasn't me then.  I was truer to you than I ever was to myself."

"I avoid you.  I know if I talk to you or try to see you just to catch up I will drag you back in.  I did it to you once before- you broke up with your girlfriend for me, and I won't do it again.  It's not fair for you, but I miss our friendship.  I find comfort in knowing you are out there and you have a serious relationship right now, but the selfish part of me wants to reach out to you.  I don't think we could handle it and I would never do that to you, but I want to-  I never told you."

"I'm scared that as time goes by I'm going to forget.  I'm going to forget how your head always felt in my hands.  I'm going to forget the features of your face that I would trace with my fingers as you closed your eyes.  I'm worried I won't be able to remember the look in your eyes that could melt my heart, or the way you would wrap your arms around me so tightly I felt like the last puzzle piece fitting into it's perfect spot.  I'm afraid you have forgotten me."

I'm listening.

Since I've started this project I've had several people ask me where my inspiration came from.  The truth is, my inspiration for this actually came from simply talking to people.

The human mind has always amazed me... I guess that's why I became a psych major in college.  The way we think and feel varies so greatly from person to person, and I find it fascinating that two people going through the same exact situation in life will handle it dramatically different.  Some people choose to lean on family and friends in times of need, others internalize their grief and try to handle it on their own.  Some become depressed, some become angry, and some fake happiness so well they even fool themselves.

In life, honesty is a rarity.  We often color the truth with what we think sounds better, what we think other people want to hear, or what we wish was the truth but is actually far from it.  This is especially true when it comes to revealing our feelings.  "I love you" and "I hate you" are two of the most powerful sentences in the English language, and can be the most difficult to say.  Even scarier is writing those words down, because once they have been penned you cannot take them back.  You cannot deny them.

I started this project because sometimes, you just need someone to listen.  You need to put your words out there, clear your mind, get everything off your chest, and unleash your feelings.  You don't want someone telling you how you should feel, or how long you are allowed to feel that way.  You don't need another sympathetic head nod, awkward hug, or "It just takes time."  Yes, everything happens for a reason, and that reason is life.

So talk.  Write.  Vent.  Cry.  Laugh.  Be honest.  Ask for forgiveness.  Forgive.  Say goodbye.  Say hello.  Say I'm sorry.

I'm listening.

I Am Thankful...

In honor of Thanksgiving...

I am thankful for my legs.  After spending most of my life despising their shape and size, I've come to realize I could not do what I love most without them... dance.

I am thankful for my scars, both physical and emotional.  They make me unique.  They make me real.

I am thankful for my friends.  They are the air in my lungs, the blood in my veins, and the beat in my heart.  I feel blessed to have such diverse and beautiful people in my life.

I am thankful for my bed.  It's so damn comfortable.

I am thankful for my hair.  It's long and thick and natural and pretty.  It's grown with me.  It rocks.

I am thankful for music.  I'm thankful for the rhythms that move my body and the lyrics that move my soul.  I'm thankful for the incredible artists and songs that have inspired me as a choreographer and as a person.

I am thankful for Strawberry Frosted Mini Wheats, hummus, and pita chips.  These are the sad-but-true staples that make up my daily diet.

I am thankful for my grandparents.  For their infinite wisdom, their inspirational relationships, and their traditions that they have passed down.  There is no love like a grandparent's love.

I am thankful for my family, both immediate and extended.  For the unconditional love, the brutal honesty, the consistent support, and the unsurpassable loyalty.  They are crazy, they are unique, and they are mine.

I am thankful for my heart.  It may be too big, too exposed, and too available at times, but no matter how many hits it takes it still beats strong.

Who or what would you like to give thanks to this season?

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!  Thank you for reading, writing, and sharing...

Excerpts...

The response I have received to this blog in just the past few weeks has truly been amazing.  I was deeply inspired with some of the things people have already shared, and I wanted to pass on their beautiful words.  Here are a few excerpts from different letters and stories I have received from both men and women... I hope you find them as incredibly touching as I did.

"...I took away the fact that, after all is done, you can sometimes smell a person's scent long after they've gone.  I took away the fact that momentary sins of the flesh can lead to a lifetime of what ifs, but fors, and please Gods.  I took away the fact that fingertips have memories, and they remember the curves of a person's body long after your mind has forgotten them.  I took away the fact that when someone says the eyes are the doorways to a person's soul they must not have met me..."

"...Yes you had your heart broken, and I understand how hard it is to move on from that.  I understand that the pain doesn't subside overnight, and there is a literal, physical aching that throbs at the mere memory of that person.  I know what it's like to spend mornings unable to get out of bed because the warmth of your sheets and the softness of your pillow paint the background for the only memories and dreams you have left.  I know the feeling of hearing a certain song and falling to the floor in heaving sobs because you can't believe it's really over.  I understand how shallow and empty your body can feel, as though pieces of you have actually been ripped out and torn apart, and there is nothing there to replace them.  I know all of this because it's how I felt when I lost you..."

"... I must always remember that if I truly love you I must long for your total freedom.  Even if it is from me.  I will not stare at you all day like a foolish child who has won a prize.  I will follow the direction of your gaze so I may see what you see..."

"... I choose to have my fights with you because as much as fighting with you stinks, I love making up with you..."

Sometimes when we are at our loneliest point, it is the words of others that bring comfort, solace, and peace.  Thank you to those who have been so willing to share.  As always, please feel free to send thoughts, letters and stories to clm1126@gmail.com.  

Dreamcatcher

A small, circular, woven hoop sits on the dark, wood blinds in my room.  A handful of feathers hang loosely on top of the object to complete its authentic appearance.  This object is called a "dreamcatcher," and in Native American culture it is believed that hanging it above a child's bed will ward off bad dreams.  The dreamcatcher was a gift I received from my parents after a trip they took out West, and after a month of sleepless nights I had hoped it would live up to my expectations.

Interestingly, I've experienced some extremely intense and vivid dreams in the past week.  It seems as though the creator of this dreamcatcher must have struck a deal with the Ghosts of Relationships Past, because I've had quite a few visits late at night.  Images of people who I have not seen or spoken to in a long time, linger well into the mornings when I wake.  Sounds, touch, and smell are frighteningly familiar, and I find myself taking a moment to decipher which memories have occurred in reality, and which are products of REM sleep.

Where do these dreams come from?  Are they a product of our head or our heart?  Is it a sign we have unfinished business, or a reminder of why our business is finished?

When your dreams speak so forcefully to you, do you listen?

Another chance at goodbye...

I sat at dinner with an old friend the other night, talking about life, work, dating... comparing, contrasting, and sharing war stories.  My friend has quite a history of being a heartbreaker, losing interest in relationships long before their expiration date.  I, on the other hand, missed the memo that wearing your heart on your sleeve went out of style with perms and Hypercolor t-shirts. We got into a discussion about my latest writing venture, and I asked him if there was anyone who he felt affected him enough that he had been inspired to write to.  His answer surprised me.  He told me the only writing of this nature he has is to his grandfather, who passed away suddenly a few years ago.  

Sometimes the people we want to reach out to aren't the ones who broke our hearts.  They may not necessarily be an "ex" or someone we were romantically involved with.  Some of the most significant relationships in our lives are with family and friends who we lose too soon.  So I'd like to adjust my previous posting to include letters and stories that encompass all different capacities of love. 

What unspoken words are left in your heart?

Do you have a letter?

Do you have a relationship that changed your life? Did it end in a way that left you with unanswered questions, a broken heart, or simply a lack of goodbye?

So often we are told, “write a letter but don’t send it.” It helps to collect your thoughts, it sometimes brings closure, and it gives you a chance to say goodbye to a relationship that deeply affected you. I've written and rewritten letters to my loved ones in all shapes and forms. Some can be found in my journal, some in my outbox, and some are simply word documents hidden in a folder on my computer... all safe harbors for the words better left unsaid. 

As alone as you may feel at certain points in your life, it's comforting to know that someone else understands, or has experienced what you have thought or felt.  Letting go of that letter- putting it out in the universe to share with others- can be liberating and therapeutic.  Which is what brings me to ask of you...

Share your story, if you have one that is.  If you don't, or you are not ready to share just quite yet, pass the word on to a friend or family member.   

Take a few moments to respond to the questions below. If you already have a letter written to an ex please submit that as well… if not… start writing! The letter can be to anyone... an ex-boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, an old friend, a lover.  Make sure the letter is anonymously addressed- only you should know who it is.

Send me your answers in an e-mail- clm1126@gmail.com. Or if you'd rather, just send your letter.

Thank you for sharing your story with me...  

1. Please state your age and gender:

2. What is the relationship of your ex to you? (Boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, friend, lover)

3. How long did you know this person?

4. How long has it been since you were last together?  How long since you last saw each other/spoke to each other?

5. How did you meet?

6. Why did you break up? Or if there was no romantic involvement, why is this person no longer in your life?

7. Have you moved on since? What is your relationships status now?

8. What did you take from this experience? Why is it important for you to write this letter (or if you already wrote it why did you do it)?