The Caterpillar

The stunning blue sky and cool, spring temperature inspired me to take my workout outside this morning.  As I briskly moved across the pavement of my old neighborhood I thought to myself how the right amount of anger, mixed with disgust and frustration, paired with a playlist that consists Daughtry's "Over You" can really get the blood pumping.  

Memories of the past year flooded through my head, as I still sit in slight disbelief of where life has taken me.  Just a few short weeks since my business has closed, I'm still in the process of moving my entire life out of Philadelphia and trying to figure out what my next steps should be.  It's overwhelming really... while people often glamorize starting a "new chapter," having so much freedom can be downright scary.

I have felt quite defeated lately.  I know the future holds endless possibilities and all the opportunities I've been waiting to experience, but quite frankly I am totally lost and incredibly lonely.  There seems to be a cloud of irony that looms over every decision I've made, and I find myself simply wanting to withdraw from situations that I normally would tackle head-on out of pure exhaustion.  It's as though I've been fighting a war for years, convinced if I stuck it out long enough I could claim victory... and I recently discovered there is no way I can win.  So now I surrender.

Five years ago I moved my entire life out of NJ to begin anew in Philadelphia.  I set up a business, invested in property, worked multiple jobs, and decorated a home fit for a "grown-up."  Now I spend most night's sleeping at my parents house, boxes and bags covering the floor of the basement, items still lingering at my old house waiting to be moved, equipment from the studio sitting on craigslist hoping to be sold.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere at the moment.

So I'm plugging along on my walk this morning, all of these thoughts flowing through my head.  I'm about a 1/4 mile from returning home, when out of nowhere a tiny caterpillar blew off a leaf and landed on my hand.  I let him crawl for a bit and then safely placed him back in the tree, tears beginning to well in my eyes.  You see, that caterpillar is a symbol of hope for me.  A few months back, an old friend recommended the book "Hope For the Flowers"- a tale about the journey two caterpillars took to become butterflies.  Since reading that story, I've felt a strong parallel to where I was in my life... knowing that after years of struggling to make life happen as a caterpillar it was time to wrap myself in a cocoon and prepare to be a butterfly.  

I haven't been able to write for almost a month, because every entry I attempted was filled with such anger and negativity that I feared I would discourage my readers.  But I leave you all with this...

The best learning experiences in life are the ones that tear you apart.  They challenge you, they test you, they make you question every fiber of your being and every thought in your head.  These experiences break you, scatter your pieces, and then slowly put you back together again.  There will be those in this world who will always try to bring you down.  There will be jobs that you don't enjoy and career decisions that you will be forced to make, whether you want to or not.  There will be people who will not appreciate you, people who will break your heart, and people who will take the joy out of things you once loved.  As time goes on and life twists and turns, those who were once so close to you may one day become complete strangers.  And while sometimes it's important to give up on things, whether it's a person, a job, or a project, it's equally important to NEVER give up on yourself.  Because we all begin as caterpillars- it's those who possess an underrated strength to hide away for a bit, walk away from the familiar and comfortable, and escape from the only life known... those are the caterpillars who become the most beautiful butterflies.  They allowed themselves to change.

To anyone who is struggling, doubting, hating, fearing, worrying, or stressing as I have been this past month... I hope you find your caterpillar too.

There Will Come A Day...

There will come a day when my legs will no longer be strong enough to move me gracefully across a stage.

There will come a day when my senses will be weakened... sound won't be as crisp, sight won't be as vibrant, touch will have transformed.

There will come a day when I will no longer be the center of my universe... children and family will take precedence over every need, every thought, every moment, and every day I will be reminded that I need to care for others more than myself.

There will come a day when travel won't be an option.  At least not an easy one. It won't be simple to slide behind the wheel at an given moment and take off like the wind, with no one to answer to and often no idea where I will end up.

There will come a day when the worst heartaches of life will seem like a distant memory, when the friendships that have passed are simply pages in a scrapbook and the wild days of youth will turn to quiet moments with family and friends.

There will come a day when the words I have penned will turn into the time capsule of my life.  

But for today...

This is why I write.  This is why I dance.  This is why artists must seize the moment and create tangible pieces for the world to see, hear, and explore.  Because tomorrow, I may not feel the same.  And I want to remember how I felt today, whether it was the happiest day of my life or I felt completely stricken with grief.  I have learned from every emotion that passed through my body.  I have become a person.  A whole person.  And I will continue to add to that person to become even more complete.  If one form of art of mine can reach someone... make them feel less alone,  touch their heart or unleash an emotion... then I have made a difference in someone else's day.  That feeling of happiness is indescribable, for me at least.

So for all of my fellow artists out there, who may struggle with what they are creating, doubt what they have already produced, or are hesitant to explore something new... I encourage you to put that aside and embrace your talent, whatever it is.  Because that one little neuron that fires in your brain, igniting a spark of creativity and genius, will spread like wildfire into someone else's soul.  

Live for today.  Love for today.  There will come a day when you will wish you had.

Walking Away

Walking away from something you've put your heart into is never easy. It's part of your history, a chapter in your book, a frame that hangs on your wall of memories. No one ever knows when to walk away... sometimes you linger because it's comfortable and easy, other times you stay for fear of what the future holds. But those who are able to do it successfully open themselves up to paths of endless possibilities, as a friend of mine once pointed out.

There are people in this world who will make the decision to walk away easy for you. Whether its with unkind words, thoughtless actions, or inconsideration for your feelings, the more times you get beaten down the less likely you are to get back in the ring. I have spent the past year haunted by faces and voices who have both intentionally and unintentionally done everything in their power to rain on my happiness. I have encountered selfishness in it's ugliest form and a lack of graciousness from those who I have gone above and beyond for. I've tried my best to avoid some of the most pathetic and sad cases of people, those who really don't have a clue and never will, but somehow, someway, their faces manage to resurface time and time again. And finally one recent morning, I woke up empty. I realized that caring too much can be a burden. I began to understand that there is truth to the idea that people don't realize what they have until it's gone. I'm reluctant to admit that it's better to be the bigger person and do the right thing, even if it's not appreciated.

And I'm walking away. I'm leaving behind 5 years of memories, pain, love, passion, commitment, strife, confusion, frustration, success and failure to start anew. No one likes change.

I'm scared, I'm sad, but I'm doing what's best for me. I hope any of you who may find yourselves in this position have the strength to do it. It's both the weakest and most powerful I've ever felt in my life.

But as my mother told me last night, "You are not given things you cannot handle."

After Awhile.

I came across this jotted down in a journal, in the midst of cleaning my old bedroom at my parents house this weekend.  I thought the message was beautiful, something I needed to hear at this point in my life, and wanted to share.  

I hope you find it as inspiring as I did.

"After Awhile" by Veronica Shoffstall

After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for paths.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong... and you really do have worth.

Paying It Forward.

Since I've started writing this blog it's been repeatedly called to my attention that some of my entries are on the darker side.  I've been called depressing, inspiring, deep, introspective, thoughtful, passionate, and intense, just to name a few.  Friends and strangers have privately approached me, thanking me for saying the words and thoughts that plague their mind but they fear to speak out loud.  

I wanted to share with you all a few lines of an e-mail that was written to me.  This year has been particularly difficult on many different levels, and I've been dealing with several internal struggles that I am still yet to conquer.  When I received this e-mail a few weeks ago, it somehow said all the things I needed to hear at the moment... things that I want to pass on to my readers who may deal with some of the same issues as myself.  I am only sharing a piece of it to keep in anonymous for the writer, but this is the piece that touched my heart.  I suppose this is my way of paying it forward...

"...  I think you have something inside you that may be special beyond what you see in the mirror.  You are an amazing lady...  Love love love... kisses kisses kisses... only joy to you.  Only love and everything that is good in this world to you.  Take it easy on yourself."

My response was brief:

"Thank you.  For seeing something in my that few have, for always having a kind word and a thoughtful gesture to share, and for making me feel like someone sees past the surface layer... a feat that I have struggled to make others see, or at least acknowledge, for longer than I care to admit.  

It means more than words can express."

We often take for granted that people know how we feel.  We don't tell them we love them, we don't tell them how important they are, and we sometimes don't even pay attention to them until it's too late... the hurt has been set in and the damage has been done.  So for all of you who have written to me, or have simply read and felt a connection, I encourage you to share those feelings with the people important to YOU.  Let the people in your lives know how much they mean.  Be aware.  Don't ever give up on someone or something you believe in, and don't think the gestures have to be grand to be effective.  Spend a few minutes each day, or at least each week, shooting out an e-mail or a text or a phone call.  

Words are the most powerful weapon to ever exist.  Pair those words with an action... And suddenly you are in charge of your own destiny.  

The Great Debate: Heart Vs. Head

There is something that physically happens to the heart when it is stimulated.  During cases of extreme sadness, the heart will swell to a point where it pushes against your throat and your stomach, forcing all parts of your body to virtually become overwhelmed and shut down in despair.  During moments of extreme happiness, the heart beats fast and furious, sending rushes of elation throughout the body and causing all organs to shift gears into overdrive.  Different things can stimulate this reaction, but most of the time it stems from some form of love or heartbreak.

I had the pleasure of spending time with both family and friends these past few days, many of whom I have not seen or enjoyed quality time with in months.  Being with them reminded me of how it felt to be happy, how it felt to be understood, and how it felt to not feel alone.  It was wonderful.  But as I drove out of the city tonight, my heart began to feel heavy.  Tears welled in my eyes as my latest CD obsession blared on the stereo, and I found myself angry for letting the worried and confused thoughts in my mind cancel out the joy felt in my heart in time spent with loved ones.

It made me wonder which of the two organs are more powerful, the head or the heart?  Do you follow your heart, the small flutter that beats and rushes butterflies of excitement to your stomach?  Or do you cautiously steer down the logical path in your head, avoiding sharp turns and dark territories that may prove to be exciting and dangerous, for fear of the pain they could inevitably cause?  As a society we are conditioned to follow the safe path.  Our brains reinforce right from wrong and we stubbornly march to the beat of the familiar drum, oddly comforted by the obvious image that lies at the end of the road.  Why?  Why not take chances?  Why not put ourselves out there to feel and love and hurt and cry and laugh and hate and forgive and forget and move on and walk away and come back and regret and rejoice....

Why does the brain always play the role of the angel and the heart of the devil?  Where does the happy medium come into play?  Relationships aren't meant to be scripted.  They are meant to be full of passion, chemistry, trust, and support.  Friendships aren't meant to be ordinary.  They should be an escape, a breath of fresh air, an honest look in the mirror and a place to rest our heads.  

As a dancer, one of my favorite quotes was always "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."  Well, there is always music playing in my head, and sometimes it drowns out the thoughts that are trying desperately to convince me not to say and do things.  Does that mean others think I'm insane?  Probably.

I live life for passion.  I live for those swellings of my heart, those rapid flutters, that squeamish stomach ache, the waterfall of tears and the loud rhythm of laughter.  I live for my heart, not for my head.

In my opinion, it's the only way to live.

LOST

A few weeks ago I was explaining my obsession for the show LOST to a friend of mine who had never watched it.  She asked me, "Is it one of those shows that makes you think about your life?"  To which I responded, "NO.  It's the exact opposite.  It's the one hour every week that I DON'T think about my life.  There is so much happening on the show I simply can't."

After watching yet another heart-pounding episode tonight I started to think about why it is I love this show so much.  Yes, Sawyer is easy on the eyes and makes my heart skip a beat every time he smiles, and yes, I can't help but stare at how flawless Juliet and Kate's hair and skin always seem to be no matter how many days they've gone without showering, but it's worlds more than just the superficial aspects.

This show is the ultimate escape.  It stimulates all of your senses and challenges even the most simple minds to dig a little deeper and think a little harder. If you stop and consider the tragic premise on which the show is based, and how the majority of the world has an intense fear of flying, it's amazing how vast the audience is.  

I think it's because deep down, everyone wants to find their own "island."  Not necessarily in the sense that they want to be chased by smoke monsters or tortured in cages, but let's be honest, the chance to have a fresh start is pretty damn appealing.  Every character on that show was given a second chance at life, an opportunity to reinvent themselves, regardless of how successful they were at living it once the time came.  The internal struggles that we watched week after week are something we can all relate to, because everyone can find a piece of themselves in the angels and demons that reside on the shoulders of each character.

There is solace and comfort in the idea that we as individuals have a greater purpose in life.  We gravitate towards others who challenge us, who feed into and off of our deepest thoughts.  But then we turn and run from these people, who hold mirrors to our faces and force us to see reality.  In the end, we always end up looking back in wonder.  

We'll cling to those who hurt us, often with blurred vision and a forgetful heart, searching for an answer that may never come.  We avoid those who know us, because nothing is scarier than someone who can see right through you.  And yet we ache for those who look right through us, as though we aren't even there.

Huh.  I guess LOST does make me think about my life after all.   Now, I need to go lay down and let my overheated brain cool off for the night.  Until next week...