Paying It Forward.

Since I've started writing this blog it's been repeatedly called to my attention that some of my entries are on the darker side.  I've been called depressing, inspiring, deep, introspective, thoughtful, passionate, and intense, just to name a few.  Friends and strangers have privately approached me, thanking me for saying the words and thoughts that plague their mind but they fear to speak out loud.  

I wanted to share with you all a few lines of an e-mail that was written to me.  This year has been particularly difficult on many different levels, and I've been dealing with several internal struggles that I am still yet to conquer.  When I received this e-mail a few weeks ago, it somehow said all the things I needed to hear at the moment... things that I want to pass on to my readers who may deal with some of the same issues as myself.  I am only sharing a piece of it to keep in anonymous for the writer, but this is the piece that touched my heart.  I suppose this is my way of paying it forward...

"...  I think you have something inside you that may be special beyond what you see in the mirror.  You are an amazing lady...  Love love love... kisses kisses kisses... only joy to you.  Only love and everything that is good in this world to you.  Take it easy on yourself."

My response was brief:

"Thank you.  For seeing something in my that few have, for always having a kind word and a thoughtful gesture to share, and for making me feel like someone sees past the surface layer... a feat that I have struggled to make others see, or at least acknowledge, for longer than I care to admit.  

It means more than words can express."

We often take for granted that people know how we feel.  We don't tell them we love them, we don't tell them how important they are, and we sometimes don't even pay attention to them until it's too late... the hurt has been set in and the damage has been done.  So for all of you who have written to me, or have simply read and felt a connection, I encourage you to share those feelings with the people important to YOU.  Let the people in your lives know how much they mean.  Be aware.  Don't ever give up on someone or something you believe in, and don't think the gestures have to be grand to be effective.  Spend a few minutes each day, or at least each week, shooting out an e-mail or a text or a phone call.  

Words are the most powerful weapon to ever exist.  Pair those words with an action... And suddenly you are in charge of your own destiny.  

The Great Debate: Heart Vs. Head

There is something that physically happens to the heart when it is stimulated.  During cases of extreme sadness, the heart will swell to a point where it pushes against your throat and your stomach, forcing all parts of your body to virtually become overwhelmed and shut down in despair.  During moments of extreme happiness, the heart beats fast and furious, sending rushes of elation throughout the body and causing all organs to shift gears into overdrive.  Different things can stimulate this reaction, but most of the time it stems from some form of love or heartbreak.

I had the pleasure of spending time with both family and friends these past few days, many of whom I have not seen or enjoyed quality time with in months.  Being with them reminded me of how it felt to be happy, how it felt to be understood, and how it felt to not feel alone.  It was wonderful.  But as I drove out of the city tonight, my heart began to feel heavy.  Tears welled in my eyes as my latest CD obsession blared on the stereo, and I found myself angry for letting the worried and confused thoughts in my mind cancel out the joy felt in my heart in time spent with loved ones.

It made me wonder which of the two organs are more powerful, the head or the heart?  Do you follow your heart, the small flutter that beats and rushes butterflies of excitement to your stomach?  Or do you cautiously steer down the logical path in your head, avoiding sharp turns and dark territories that may prove to be exciting and dangerous, for fear of the pain they could inevitably cause?  As a society we are conditioned to follow the safe path.  Our brains reinforce right from wrong and we stubbornly march to the beat of the familiar drum, oddly comforted by the obvious image that lies at the end of the road.  Why?  Why not take chances?  Why not put ourselves out there to feel and love and hurt and cry and laugh and hate and forgive and forget and move on and walk away and come back and regret and rejoice....

Why does the brain always play the role of the angel and the heart of the devil?  Where does the happy medium come into play?  Relationships aren't meant to be scripted.  They are meant to be full of passion, chemistry, trust, and support.  Friendships aren't meant to be ordinary.  They should be an escape, a breath of fresh air, an honest look in the mirror and a place to rest our heads.  

As a dancer, one of my favorite quotes was always "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."  Well, there is always music playing in my head, and sometimes it drowns out the thoughts that are trying desperately to convince me not to say and do things.  Does that mean others think I'm insane?  Probably.

I live life for passion.  I live for those swellings of my heart, those rapid flutters, that squeamish stomach ache, the waterfall of tears and the loud rhythm of laughter.  I live for my heart, not for my head.

In my opinion, it's the only way to live.

LOST

A few weeks ago I was explaining my obsession for the show LOST to a friend of mine who had never watched it.  She asked me, "Is it one of those shows that makes you think about your life?"  To which I responded, "NO.  It's the exact opposite.  It's the one hour every week that I DON'T think about my life.  There is so much happening on the show I simply can't."

After watching yet another heart-pounding episode tonight I started to think about why it is I love this show so much.  Yes, Sawyer is easy on the eyes and makes my heart skip a beat every time he smiles, and yes, I can't help but stare at how flawless Juliet and Kate's hair and skin always seem to be no matter how many days they've gone without showering, but it's worlds more than just the superficial aspects.

This show is the ultimate escape.  It stimulates all of your senses and challenges even the most simple minds to dig a little deeper and think a little harder. If you stop and consider the tragic premise on which the show is based, and how the majority of the world has an intense fear of flying, it's amazing how vast the audience is.  

I think it's because deep down, everyone wants to find their own "island."  Not necessarily in the sense that they want to be chased by smoke monsters or tortured in cages, but let's be honest, the chance to have a fresh start is pretty damn appealing.  Every character on that show was given a second chance at life, an opportunity to reinvent themselves, regardless of how successful they were at living it once the time came.  The internal struggles that we watched week after week are something we can all relate to, because everyone can find a piece of themselves in the angels and demons that reside on the shoulders of each character.

There is solace and comfort in the idea that we as individuals have a greater purpose in life.  We gravitate towards others who challenge us, who feed into and off of our deepest thoughts.  But then we turn and run from these people, who hold mirrors to our faces and force us to see reality.  In the end, we always end up looking back in wonder.  

We'll cling to those who hurt us, often with blurred vision and a forgetful heart, searching for an answer that may never come.  We avoid those who know us, because nothing is scarier than someone who can see right through you.  And yet we ache for those who look right through us, as though we aren't even there.

Huh.  I guess LOST does make me think about my life after all.   Now, I need to go lay down and let my overheated brain cool off for the night.  Until next week...